


Starvation in Magenta Suits

by sadmemes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder, Gen, Humiliation, Hurt Thomas Jefferson, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Low Self-Esteem, Modern Setting, No Slash, Non-Consensual Touching, Other tags to be added, Panic Attacks, Relapse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, basically all the characters are lawyers, body issues, but they still have cabinet meetings and stuff, legit just made this up as a way to vent emotions, not historically accurate at all, sad stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-06-07 19:59:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15226779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadmemes/pseuds/sadmemes
Summary: Thomas Jefferson gains a harmless amount of weight and, after some negative reactions and humiliation in the workplace, the man suffers from a relapse of his past eating disorder.Thomas is plunged into familiar oceans of self-hatred, James Madison attempts to keep his friend’s head above water and Alexander Hamilton learns how damaging words can truly be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> {TW warning; this fic contains a lot of triggering topics such as anoreixa, depression, low self esteem issues, body issues, implied self harm (etc) and gets very angsty so please be careful when reading, and this fic may not be advisable to read if you suffer from any of the above. be careful guys}
> 
> this first chapter is more of an introduction but be warned; its about to get Sad. please be careful when reading, and i wouldn’t advise reading on if any of the topics contained in this fic upset you/apply to you. 
> 
> also, i probs should mention that i personally suffer from depression and have an eating disorder, so a lot of the emotions and experiences regarding thomas’ eating disorder are based on myself. I’m saying this because there are many different types of eating disorders and everyone who suffers from one will be different in many ways, so plz don’t assume that what’s written in this fic is the norm for everyone suffering! 
> 
> feel free to research more on the topics contained in this fic and be safe guys, please seek medical help if you need it xx

James Madison was the first person to notice the changes in Thomas Jefferson’s appearance.

It was a Friday evening; the Virginians had just finished work and were walking side by side downtown to share a meal together, both talking avidly about politics, recent debates and general topics of interest. James had just cracked a joke and Thomas was chuckling happily, when James glanced up at his taller best friend and first noticed it. 

Thomas’ face was split into a gorgeous grin, his curly hair framing the chocolate palour of his features and his dark pupils twinkling with amusement, but James’ gaze was caught by the sight of his friend’s jaw. 

Thomas usually supported a very sharp and chiselled jawbone that gave his facial features a lovely edge (that many admirers swooned over), yet now James noticed how his usually defined jawline and chin had become rounder and looked softer to the touch, as though someone had placed a ‘baby-face’ style filter upon his best friend’s facial features. 

Thomas continued to laugh and chat amicably with James as they reached the restaurant, the taller man smiling and holding the door open for James like a true gentleman, and the other man soon pushed aside his observations, though not before kindly and honestly thinking of how Thomas’ slight weight gain suited him.

Throughout the following week, James began to notice other ways that Thomas’ appearance had altered slightly. Aside from his softer jawline and slightly chubbier chin, James noticed how his friend’s iconic magenta suit appeared to hug his physique more snugly than before, and his muscles appeared to be less defined under the various articles of clothing Thomas supported on a daily basis. James also happened to notice how his friend’s behind had become more defined and was faintly larger (not that James often stared at his best friend’s arse, it was more of a casual observation that he happened to notice when Thomas was walking in front of him). 

It was obvious to anyone looking that Thomas had indeed gained a little weight. The Republican was envied for his attractive appearance; his glorious physique that consisted of six-pack abs and bulging muscles made many jealous, yet these defining features of the man appeared to be reduced slightly due to his weight gain. 

Thomas wasn’t fat, not even close to it, and the man still looked gorgeous and definitely was still classified as being attractive, just in a different and chubbier way. 

James would always adore his best friend no matter his appearance, and secretly preferred how Thomas’ smile was now accompanied by adorable chubbier cheeks that made his chocolate pupils shine, but James was more relieved by the fact that Thomas appeared to be oblivious to any changes in his appearance.

Having known the fellow Virginian since childhood, James was aware of Thomas’ low self-esteem issues and insecurities that he buried under masks of arrogance and forced confidence. James remembered how unhappy Thomas had been when he was a teenager regarding the larger size that he had supported, and memories of Thomas’ eating disorder still haunted his nightmares. His best friend’s buried unhappiness and self-hatred caused painful knots to tie themselves inside James’ stomach every time he remembered the pain that his friend had suffered through. 

Thomas had recovered, thank god, but it had taken years of pain and mountains of effort along with the support of friends (mainly James) and family. Things were better now, so much better, but still not 100% perfect. 

Thomas was no longer completely obsessed with his weight but always made sure to enforce a strict exercise regime into his daily life, and never allowed himself to indulge in masses of food. These remaining habits, along with Thomas’ now healthy diet that supplied the man with enough food and energy, had resulted in the man’s killer physique and desired appearance that seemed to help Thomas bury the ghosts from his past. The man was happier, healthier and in a better place mentally, which was all that James wished for. 

As he observed his friend’s seeming disregard for the desire to strictly conform to social beauty standards in order to appear attractive, James wondered with a spark of hope if Thomas had officially healed from all his past insecurities. 

Yet maybe the man was simply unaware of any changes in his appearance, and said awareness would otherwise cause him pain that he’d previously managed to bury. 

James prayed that his friend’s happiness would continue whether or not he became aware of his weight gain. Thomas would always be beautiful in James’ eyes and the shorter man only hoped that his best friend would finally be able to love himself, no matter his size or appearance.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens were the second people to notice the differences in Thomas Jefferson’s appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {TW: ahaaaa stuff starts getting angsty from now on so plz read the tags and previous warnings}

Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens were the second people to notice the differences in Thomas Jefferson’s appearance. 

The morning was early and John had forced Alex to take a break from his incessant writing before work hours official began, so the pair were found to be hanging out in the common room. 

The duo occasionally burst into fits of laughter at nothing in particular and were slowly succumbing to early morning boredom, when Thomas Jefferson entered along with his usual persona of confident arrogance that radiated immediately from his swaggering figure.

‘Of course his hair looks perfect this early in the morning’ Alex thought, a frown creasing his previously laughing face at the sight of the Virginian.

James Madison soon strolled in behind Jefferson and they both made their ways towards the room’s trusted coffee machine.

John glared at the interruption caused by the two men and Alex’s eyes narrowed in dislike before averting his gaze in an attempt to ignore his rival, wishing currently to save most of his spite and fire for the afternoon’s cabinet meeting.

However, his initial intentions were interrupted when John began whispering in his ear.

“Is it just me, or has Jefferson put on weight?” he asked Alex, amusement layering his low tone. 

Alex blinked.  
“What?”

“Look at his face!” John insisted, causing Alex to return his gaze to the tall Virginian. 

Jefferson was talking animatedly with Madison as the pair waited for their coffee to brew, his side profile being clearly displayed which allowed John and Alex to analyse the man’s facial features. 

After a moment of staring, Alex indeed noticed how Jefferson’s cheeks appeared to be rounder, and he noted how they made his usually sharp and smirking face appear less... intimidating? threatening? 

The changes in the man’s appearance weren’t obvious and Thomas Jefferson would appear to look the same at a glance. He had put on a little weight, but not such an amount that would be noticeably obvious unless you were staring. 

A tiny voice in the back of Alex’s head noted how the man looked younger, and even slightly cute, before John’s snort of laughter abruptly removed Alex from his thoughts. Since when did he think Jefferson was cute??

“Check out that arse!” John sniggered, and Alex’s gaze lowered slowly down the man’s body. He could immediately see the Virginian’s behind having become recently more prominent and defined against the trousers of his magenta suit. 

‘Damn, that’s a nice arse’ was Hamilton’s initial thought as he continued to gaze, before both him and Laurens burst into loud fits of laughter. The opportunity for public humiliation of Jefferson was too good to avoid! 

The sudden noise startled the pair of Virginians and both men turned around, identical scowls of annoyance prominent on their faces at the interruption of their conversation.

However, as John began to make wolf-whistling sounds and Alex made smacking noises with his lips (the pair clearly directing their advances towards the taller Virginian), the scowl on Jefferson’s face changed slightly to an expression of confusion, while Madison, after glancing briefly at his best friend, fixed Alex and John with an icy glare. 

“Damn, Jefferson!” John whistled as he sauntered across the room towards the Virginians, attracting the attention of a few onlookers.  
“Make sure to save me a slice after Madison’s had his share, okay?”

“The fuck are you talking about Laurens?” Jefferson drawled in his bored southern accent as he stared down at the giggling pair. 

Deciding to follow John’s lead and have some fun at Jefferson’s expense, Hamilton joined in. 

“Who knew what could be hidden under those magenta suits, dammmnnnnn” Alex sniggered, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Jefferson’s expression of confusion only intensified, and Alex snorted as the taller man glanced at Madison in an attempt to gain clarity regarding the situation. 

In contrast, Madison had instantly picked up on what Laurens and Hamilton were mocking about his best friend. His stance radiated nothing but protective aggression as he stared at the pair, his gaze screaming nothing but ‘Fuck Off’. 

More people in the common room began to turn their attentions towards the group as the scene continued, eyes eager to see a fight or any drama happen between the opposing pairs despite the morning still being early.

Alex and John ignored the shorter Virginian’s aggression and continued to taunt Jefferson, both of their amusement levels rising. Alex found that he loved how Thomas Jefferson’s usually smirking face had been replaced with one of incertitude, and proceeded to continue with the teasing. 

That little voice in the back of Alex’s head scolded him slightly, reminding him of his moral conscience and of how he himself despised catcalling and verbal harassment whenever he witnessed it directed towards vulnerable young women on the streets. 

‘But this is JEFFERSON! He doesn’t have feelings!’ Alex reminded himself before putting any thoughts of potential wrongdoing out of his head. It wasn’t as if Jefferson had gained that much weight; the man was obviously still attractive, and having some fun at the man’s expense was very appealing. Besides, Jefferson would definitely do the same if their positions were reversed, so Alex may as well take advantage of the situation. 

“That’s a mighty large, fine arse you have there Jefferson, you got that all the way from Virginia?” Alex gasped, as his eyes lowered clearly to stare at Jefferson’s behind, pupils shining with mockery and amusement.

“Hamilton, that’s enough!” Madison snapped, his tone dangerously low and accompanied by a furious glare. 

Onlookers began to join in with the laughter as the nature of the joke became obvious. People began sniggering at the comment, their eyes looking Jefferson up and down before focusing their gazes on the man’s behind.

Alex had expected Jefferson to scoff and bite back with a similar snide comment, retaliating smoothly while being unbothered by the joke’s nature. Nothing ever seemed to properly hurt the man and, to Hamilton’s annoyance, Jefferson almost always remained composed when being personally attacked or mocked during the cabinet meetings. 

However, the usual sharp retaliation never came; on the contrary, the man seemed to have been struck speechless.

The tall Virginian looked rather shocked and bewildered at Alex’s statement, his chocolate pupils widening in utter surprise, which only caused the room’s laughter to intensify at his expression. Any expression other than a smirk seemed unnatural on the man’s face.

After a moment, Jefferson began to shift uncomfortably, his gaze falling to the floor and his cool, confident persona seemed to slip slightly as a result from the continuous laughter at his expense. 

Noticing the man’s unexpected discomfort, Alex had the sudden strong urge to cause further public humiliation to Jefferson. Maybe he had finally discovered a good weakness to use against his rival; target the man’s appearance! 

“I mean, we all suspected that you’d been letting yourself go recently, what with your massive weight gain and everything, but who expected pounds to go directly to your ass!” Alex laughed, John snorting at this verbal attack. 

After his hyperbolic remark was met with yet another chorus of laughter from the entertained onlookers despite Madison’s growing expression of horror, Alex continued. He was relishing gaining the upper hand over his uncharacteristically silent rival.

“Having a body and arse that fat is an impressive achievement, even for you!” 

Something flashed behind Jefferson’s eyes at that comment, and a strange expression glided over his face that Alex could only identify as pain, before the taller Virginian’s (recently chubbier) face flushed a violent shade of pink that wasn’t dissimilar to the colour of the man’s magenta suit. 

Jefferson was instantly turning around and hurrying out of the room as catcalls and whistling followed his retreating figure until he was out of sight. 

With Jefferson being absent, the pair turned their smirking and triumphant faces towards Madison. The man was shaking with anger as the laughter of onlookers continued to ring uncontrollably around the room, his fists balled tightly at his sides. The only sentence he uttered before sprinting after Jefferson was “fucking shit-faced bastards!” 

“Love you too!” John called as the commonroom’s door slammed shut after the pair. 

Onlookers of the argument began to quieten their laughter to low chuckles as soon as the drama had ended. John and Alex returning to their slouched positions across the room, the pair still giggling despite the scene having ended. 

“Did you see the look on his face just before he ran off?” Alex asked, before imitating Jefferson’s injured expression while clutching his behind and whimpering loudly. John continued to double over with laughter.

“Who knew Jefferson would become so thick?” Lauren’s exclaimed, Alex snorting as the room began to empty as work hours began. 

The duo continued to joke about Jefferson’s altered appearance as they made their ways towards their offices, the laughter only ceasing when the pair waved goodbye to each other as they reached their separate work rooms. 

Alex chuckled to himself as he began pulling out his papers, positively gleeful that he had seemingly discovered a potential weakness of his rival. He finally had something new to target when going against Jefferson if things got personal during the cabinet battles, which was what usually happened during their frequent disputes.

Little did he realise how much damage his words had inflicted upon Jefferson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this chapter! i’ll hopefully be updating this fic soon and please feel free to leave constructive criticism or anything.  
> thanks for reading x


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas hurried away from the common room, the sounds of cruel laughter and crippling mockery still chasing his retreating form down the corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya everyone! i’m really sorry that this update took a while to be posted, i’ve been away at drama school + this chapter took me a long time to write but here it is, aka let the angst commence

Thomas hurried away from the common room, the sounds of cruel laughter and crippling mockery still chasing his retreating form down the corridor. As the laughter died away to only still ring unrelentingly in the man’s head, Thomas’ level of panic continued to remain strong as he urged himself onwards as fast as his quivering legs could manage.

His heart was pounding furiously against his rib cage as he bolted down the deserted corridor, the relentless beating corresponding with the slapping of his leather shoes on the polished floor, accompanied by wide, alert eyes as Thomas began frantically searching for the nearest bathroom. 

Once locating a nearby (thankfully empty) one, Thomas raced inside and let out a shaky breath he hadn’t realised that he’d been holding, before massaging his pounding temples with trembling palms in an attempt to calm himself down.

After a moment, he scrunched up his eyes and took deep breaths in an attempt to block out the ringing words and laughter that continued to pummel against his mind no matter how hard he tried to block the unwanted sounds out. 

“Damn, Jefferson!”

“weight gain”

“body and arse that fat”

“letting yourself go”

“fat”

Gripping the bathroom sink tightly, Thomas drew his wavering gaze up to face the large wall mirror in front of him.

A shaking man condoning a recently ruffled magenta suit stared back at him with fearful eyes, wearing an expression of utter devastation. Thomas was surprised to see a couple of involuntary tears snaking their way down his usually immaculate cheeks, and the Virginian almost felt like laughing at how much his self-esteem and stable mindset had deteriorated in only ten minutes. 

He quickly wiped the fallen droplets away with the cuff of his suit’s shirt before glancing back towards the mirror. Now that his vision wasn’t completely clouded by tears, Thomas took another deep breath and began to rapidly analyse his physique. 

His pupils skirted frantically up and down his body from head to toe, and Thomas’ levels of despair began to rise as he regarded his reflection. He immediately began to spot the same recent changes in his appearance that Hamilton and Laurens had mockingly noticed, his mind automatically exaggerating the altered features which only added to the man’s despair.

Chubby cheeks 

Rounded face 

Lack of jawline 

Fat chest 

Plump arms 

Loss of muscle 

Huge stomach 

Enormous thighs 

Massive arse 

Flabby legs 

Disgusting 

Repulsive 

Ugly 

Fat

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmy

A small whimper left Thomas’ lips as his mind reeled and staggered under the sudden yet familiar feeling of overpowering self-hatred that the man had worked so hard to suppress; the same recognised toxic emotions that had dominated his sixteen year old self’s mindset were overflowing to suffocate the rational sense of his mind. 

Any vanity that the man had managed to create, enforce and maintain throughout his many years of recovery seemed to vanish in an instant, and suddenly he felt inside the mindset of his overweight, self-despising, bullied teenage self.

He felt as if he were drowning. Emotional pain exploded in his chest, his lungs heaving as if with the filling of water. He was suffocating in an ocean of self-loathing and desperately trying to swim against the tide of emotions via frantically attempting to remember grounding and calming techniques that he’d been taught throughout his years of therapy. 

Yet the longer he stared at his reflection, his gaze locked upon the mirror, bound tightly by self-loathing and the disgust he felt for himself, the stronger the tide grew and the harder it felt to even breathe.

Thomas registered in the back of his mind that he was edging closer to experiencing a panic attack, and that he needed to successfully remember all the calming techniques that his therapists had taught him. 

He tried to take deep breaths and told himself that no, he wasn’t fat. He couldn’t be. He’d worked so hard to achieve his current stable state, and some stupid comments should not be able to cause him to crumple and relapse into his familiar unhealthy mental state of mind. He had to stay strong and focus on what’s real, rather than letting the toxic areas of his mind pollute his vision with negativity. 

But no matter how hard he tried, Thomas felt himself slipping. 

Everything felt too much, and he found himself terrified as rational thought became buried under layers and layers of repressed and venomous self-hatred.

Hamilton and Laurens were right, he’d put on so much weight without even realising it. The evidence was in the reflection staring back at him. How could he have failed to notice the changes in his appearance before his rivals had? 

And the fact that it had been Hamilton of all people to comment made it somehow hurt even more. Sure, the pair of them fought on a daily basis and publicly displayed their rivalry via countless heated arguments and frequent snide comments directed towards each other, but deep down, Thomas knew that he didn’t hate the man he claimed to despise. He’d always secretly admired the shorter man, and sometimes caught himself staring at Alexander Hamilton absently with a gaze of fondness, or found his mind wandering to daydreams where the two of them actually became friends. He couldn’t figure out what he wanted from Hamilton; acceptance? appreciation? admiration? 

Thomas felt something unnamable for his rival that not even he understood; a sort of connection that was fuelled by their fiery exchanges. He often valued Hamilton’s words and actions, despite many of them being ridiculous and stupid in his eyes, and their frequent disputes often amused and entertained him, but he’d never imagined the man to stoop so low as to comment on something as personal as weight. 

Hamilton had discovered his weakness; he’d made a power move that had caught Thomas completely off guard and left him exposed to further torment, and it hurt.  
It hurt so fucking much because Thomas knew that Hamilton always said what he believed. Every word that was uttered from the man’s mouth was an honest and open display of his genuine opinion no matter the topic, and Thomas now knew that Hamilton saw him as being fat. His rival had spotted something that not even Thomas had noticed about himself, and had decided to publicly humiliate him with his vicious opinions and mockery. 

Hamilton had spotted his weight gain. 

Laurens had spotted his weight gain. 

His peers had spotted his weight gain. 

How had Thomas been the only one who had failed to notice?

Fucking idiot.

How could he have let himself gain this much weight without realising and putting a stop to it sooner? 

Oh god, he was disgusting. 

His mind began to frantically attempting to remember what he’d eaten yesterday, and how much exercise he hadn’t done, and how little time there would be today to do any exercise today and...

This wasn’t okay, he looked absolutely awful.

He felt sick, mentally and physically.

What was he going to do?

Thomas’ flow of internal self-hatred was interrupted by a low creaking sound from the bathroom door being opened cautiously behind him, and a corresponding figure appearing in the doorframe.

“Thomas?”

-

The shorter Virginian peered slowly into the bathroom and prayed that he would be able to locate his best friend as soon as possible.

After what had gone down in the common room, and after what had specifically been said to the taller Virginian regarding his weight, James knew that Thomas wouldn’t be in a healthy state of mind. 

Thomas had forcefully been made aware of the recent changes in his appearance through the mocking from none other than his rival. James knew from the way Thomas had bolted from the common room supporting an expression of pure shock and horror that the man’s mind must be in pieces. 

He only prayed that he would be able to find his best friend before Thomas spiralled too far into his internal black hole of self-hatred. 

Or, maybe Thomas was managing to control his toxic and repressed thoughts?

James’ second hope was instantly removed from his mind as he gazed into the bathroom and immediately spotted his taller companion, along with the man’s obvious distress.

Thomas Jefferson was clutching the bathroom sink ledge so tightly that his knuckles were straining, and his staring face supported an expression of immense suffering that made James’ heart drop horribly as he regarded the panicking man before him.

Thomas’ stance was hunched, his wide eyes skimming rapidly over his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he analysed his figure. The man’s body was shaking slightly and the shorter Virginian’s heart clenched painfully as he prepared to move forwards into the bathroom towards his best friend.

“Thomas?”

Said man turned around shakily to face his best friend and their eyes met, Thomas’ pupils drowned in pain and James’ orbs filled with nothing but concern and worry. 

A moment passed where everything was still, as if Thomas was trying to hold himself together, with James holding his breath in anticipation of the other man’s upcoming reaction. 

A pause. 

Then suddenly, the situation’s gravity and pressure became too much to bear, and subsequently caused Thomas to completely break down in unison with the room’s tension shattering around the two men. 

Thomas’ shoulders shook with broken cries that he tried hard to suppress, tears overflowing uncontrollably down his cheeks, and his wobbling knees dangerously began to give way, which caused James to surge forwards into action and catch the trembling man in his arms. 

The shorter Virginian held his best friend tightly as Thomas choked on vicious sobs, his face pressed against James’ chest as he desperately tried to hold onto the comfort and support that James Madison had always provided him with.

With a heavy heart, James placed one hand supportingly on the back of Thomas’ head at the base of his neck, and the other began to rub comforting circles slowly on his best friend’s back as Thomas let out the building pain that had been overwhelming his mind. 

The pair of them remained like that as if frozen in time for what seemed like hours, until Thomas’ cries gradually reduced to irregular sniffs and the shaking of his shoulders became less violent. James carefully lowered his best friend down and sat next to Thomas on the bathroom floor, winding his fingers to connect with the taller man’s.

With encouragement from James, the pair began to breathe deeply together in unison, the steadying breaths finally coaxing Thomas into silence as the last of his sniffing and hitching breaths died away. 

Glancing across, James saw Thomas’ face now strangely blank; his tired, puffy eyes were trained on the tiled flooring, and all emotion seemed to have been drained from his face. 

James had expected Thomas’ panic attack to leave him feeling and looking like this (he’d witnessed enough of Thomas’ pain over the years to know the aftermaths) but he still felt his heart twist painfully at the sight, and he gave Thomas’ hand a comforting squeeze.

It had been a while since the pair had been in this situation as Thomas had been a lot more mentally healthy recently, and James had even let himself dare to hope that Thomas was cured of at least most aspects of his mental illness. 

It had been years since Thomas had physically beaten his eating disorder and achieved a stable and healthy weight, and the man had managed to become happy again despite still suffering sometimes from extreme low-self esteem and occasional slight weight preoccupations, but Thomas was usually stable. He still saw a therapist at least once a month, but Thomas was happy.

His smiles were now genuine and not forced in an attempt to unsuccessfully reassure James that he was ‘fine’. James hasn’t seen the painful shadow that used to hide behind his friend’s eyes (that had made Thomas often have a lifeless stare as his mind silently and desperately tried to battle against his mental illness).

Thomas was happy. He would smile, grin, talk animatedly and celebrate how much confidence he’d gained after years of suffering in silence. Thomas was genuinely happy.

But life never seemed to treat James’ best friend kindly. This morning Thomas had supported a smile so lovely that it would have made people stop and stare, but now his current expression made it difficult for James to believe that any smile would ever have the pleasure of gracing Thomas’ face again. 

James wished and wished for Thomas’ eating disorder to completely remove itself from his life, but the illness and its mentality always seemed to find it’s way back to Thomas and satisfy itself by absorbing Thomas’ newfound joy and replacing it with pain.

But James was here; he’d always be here for Thomas, and would be damned if he let Thomas be snatched back into despair.

“Hey, you’re okay, you’re alright” he spoke softly in an attempt to reawaken some of the life back into Thomas Jefferson’s face. 

Thomas didn’t respond immediately. Then, after a moment, he muttered a quiet and barely distinguishable  
“m’sorry, Jemmy” 

“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologise for anything, alright?” James replied slowly, silently begging for his best friend to raise his head and more seek support from him. An emotionally exhausted and detached Thomas scared him even more than a crying Thomas; at least he was able to wipe away tears and prevent them from falling, but silence and isolation was infectious and much more difficult to cure. 

Thankfully, after swallowing slowly and taking a steadying breath, Thomas raised his head to make eye contact with the shorter man. James gave him a small, sad but supportive smile that Thomas focused on, before he proceeded to ask a question that James had dreaded.

“Have I really put on weight?” the taller Virginian asked weakly, his gaze wavering and falling to the floor once more. 

Rage sparked once more from deep inside James’ chest as he recalled the reason why they were having his conversation and why Thomas was even asking him that question. Those comments...

His rage was accompanied by sadness as he regarded his best friend, all the usual confidence and happiness gone from the man and replaced with painful silence that hung strongly in Thomas’ slumped shoulders and painfully lowered gaze.

He squeezed Thomas’ hand once more before replying.  
“Look at me” James ordered gently, and, when the other man complied, he continued.

“You can’t listen to any of what those assholes said. Not a word of it, you hear me? We’ve established by now that they talk pure trash, and you can’t let any of those comments make you feel...feel this way again.” James said, his words spoken with nothing but truth and care. 

Thomas remained looking at James for another long moment before speaking again, his voice hoarse and wavering with his recent loss of confidence.

“I thought...thought that I would be strong enough not to....to be affected by what they...said” he spoke softly, his chocolate pupils slowly filling with more moisture. 

“You are strong, Thomas. You’re one of the strongest people I know.” James replied, sliding an arm around his friend’s shoulders and encouraging the other man to lean against his shoulder. 

Thomas complied, and James said “You weren’t expecting any of that to be said to you. You couldn’t help how you reacted and how you felt. That’s not weakness. But you’ve got to focus now on what’s real, and what we know to be true.”

“You are not fat. Hell, you’re Thomas freaking Jefferson, the hottest and finest guy who ever graced any courtroom or cabinet meeting with his presence!” 

Thomas looked unconvinced, but gave a small smile at that comment before shaking his head against James’ shoulder.

“That’s not true, Jemmy”

“It is true! Anyone with any sense would be able to see it...so maybe it’s not such a surprise that Hamilton would be the one to disagree”

That rewarded James with a short chuckle from the other man, before Thomas paused, and then spoke lowly. His speech was even more slow and broken up in an attempt to explain exactly how he was feeling to James.

“It was just...too much. It was...as if all those years of therapy had never even happened. I just...panicked and didn’t know how to...to make it all stop...”

James was silent for a moment, and was about to reply when Thomas continued.

“I don’t deserve you, Jemmy. And you don’t deserve to have to deal with.....all this shit” his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Thomas, you’re my best friend. We deal with shit together, just like we always have. Hamilton and Laurens said all that bullshit because they were bored and wanted some easy and quick entertainment. They're probably wanted to try targeting something new to see how you would react. It’s as simple as that. You’re gorgeous, and you can trust that everything I say is nothing but the truth. Okay?” James answered slowly, resting his chin ontop of Thomas’ cloud of curls. 

Thomas hummed after a moment, James feeling the vibration against his shoulder, before he turned his gaze to stare at James chest and grimaced.

“Sorry about your suit” he apologised, gesturing in embarrassment to the recent tear stains that now tainted the front of James’ recently washed grey attire.

James laughed softly and squeezed Thomas’ shoulder, telling him not to worry and how that was the least of his problems. The pair continued to sit together for a few more minutes, both basking in each other’s presence and the now calm atmosphere that James had managed to create, before Thomas cleared his throat and sat up straight. 

Glancing briefly at their watches, both men acknowledged that they needed to get back to work and the pair began to stand up from the bathroom floor. Thomas straightened out his rumpled suit and washed his face with cold water to remove any tear track marks from his cheeks, before turning to face his best friend. 

“Thanks for that Jemmy” Thomas said quietly but meaningfully.

James smiled back and gave Thomas a hug, before assuring him that it was no problem and that he would always be here to help. Thomas gave James a small smile, and James saw that some pain still remained hidden behind his best friend’s eyes as the duo left the bathroom, but knew that Thomas would try to maintain and uphold confidence for at least the rest of the day in order to get his work done. James made a mental note to take Thomas out that night to provide the man with a distraction from his mind, and silently prayed that the rest of the day would go positively and smoothly for the man; he didn’t know if Thomas would be able to handle experiencing any more pain today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoyed??this chapter?? idk this was pretty sad to write but y’know, quality angst is the most worthwhile to read so plz leave constructive criticism or anything below :) 
> 
> also, one more thing to clarify. so i’ve mentioned previously that i personally have an eating disorder (so basically all of the emotions in this fic are based off my own) but for anyone reading this who may be confused about eating disorders in general: i am in no way saying that being a larger size is wrong or that you need to change how you look. Personally, I think that many larger people are absolutely beautiful but the mental illness that I have conditions me to believe that ME PERSONALLY being what my mind perceived to be ‘fat’ is not okay. And it sucks, but basically my point is for you guys Not to apply any of what Thomas critically analyses about himself to yourself. Eating disorders distort your perspective of how you actually look and they’re extremely toxic so plz plz don’t apply any of the self analysis that anorexic people suffer from to yourself xxx stay safe guys


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James keeps a close eye on Thomas, and Alexander crosses a line in the cabinet meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya everyone! thanks for all the kudos and comments that you guys have been leaving on my previous chapters, i really appreciate it :)  
> Hope you all enjoy this next chapter, and yeah ofc more angst is on the way

Throughout the rest of the day, whenever he got the chance, James made it his mission to keep a close eye on Thomas. 

After the common room humiliation fiasco, Thomas’ breakdown and the duo’s subsequent emotional bathroom talk, the shorter Virginian’s mind remained occupied with concern for his best friend. James therefore made it his focus to spot any potential changes in Thomas’ actions that could be repercussions from the morning’s events.

Yet, Thomas Jefferson seemed to be going about his day in a normal fashion. When James accompanied Thomas to his office after they left the bathroom, James noticed how the man held his head high when walking down the corridor, and he spotted how Thomas had made sure to remove any essence of lingering, obvious pain from his face.

To onlookers, the taller Virginian would appear to be his usual self; his familiar, slightly swaggering walk, the casual expression he wore that held the possibility of turning into a smirk at any moment, his immaculately bouncing hair and the boldness of his familiar magenta suit successfully recreated Thomas’ usual confident persona.

Looking at the apparently cool-headed and self-assured man, who made sure to sincerely thank James once more before heading into his office to start work, nobody would have suspected that the same man had been an emotional mess sobbing in an empty bathroom only half an hour before. 

Naturally, James could see straight through his best friend’s act and knew Thomas was only projecting a false image of confidence, but the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’ seemed to often work for Thomas, so James refrained from commenting. 

The morning continued to drag on painfully, and James was kept unfocused on his work due to continuous intruding concerns flying through his mind every moment. James didn’t like to admit it, but he was a worrier; he overthought most things in his life and Thomas often playfully teased him about it, but James knew today that the worries he had for Thomas were more than justified.

He knew what had been said to Thomas had affected him deeply. Hell, Thomas had suffered a breakdown from said comments and James knew that Thomas would still not have completely recovered. He only hoped that the taller Virginian would be able to get himself through the day and refrain from letting the comments cause him any more pain.

James couldn’t have been more relieved when the break for lunch arrived, and he wasted no time in hurrying over to his best friend’s office. 

Thomas was still writing avidly at his desk, a concentrated frown creasing his brow as he held the tip of his pen absentmindedly between his lips. He didn’t seem to notice when James let himself into the office and jumped when the shorter Virginian spoke. 

James had expected this reaction; after a breakdown, Thomas always threw himself into his work in an attempt to occupy his mind with productivity and not leave any room for his mind to wander in the direction of self-hatred, though James didn’t know how successful this technique truly was in regards to blocking out unwanted feelings. 

“You’re starting to write as much as Hamilton” James said lightly, gesturing to the masses of paper covered in Thomas’ slanted scrawl that were littered across the desk. 

Thomas pulled a face before chuckling lowly.

“Washington told me that I had to write down my speech for this afternoon’s cabinet meeting on paper. It’s a new policy, apparently. He said it was annoying to have nothing to refer back to after the meetings, but he’s probably just sick of me going off topic when I’m speaking” Thomas explained, standing up from his desk’s chair and shrugging on his magenta jacket. 

“Or maybe he thinks you talk too much? Or he doesn’t like the sound of your voice?” James asked jokingly, laughing when Thomas looked indignant.

“Please, I don’t understand how my voice could be the one annoying him when Hamilton is the one who talks all the way to England. Honestly, after every meeting it’s as if his voice is still ringing in my head; he talks too damn much!” Thomas shuddered as the pair made their way towards the canteen to collect their lunches.

“Well, Hamilton is Washington’s favourite, so y’know, favouritism is a bitch. I did hear a rumour that Hamilton once talked for six hours straight when he was training in law” James replied as they joined the back of the lunch queue. 

“Really? Jesus, how can someone even think of that much to say? It’s inhumane.” 

The duo continued to chat amicably together throughout their lunchtime, and James was incredibly relieved to see that Thomas was actually eating. 

In the past after any emotional setback, Thomas would often restrict his food intake significantly which, in the long run, had caused severe damage to his health. James had expected Thomas to skip lunch altogether after the morning’s events and had prepared to coax his best friend into eating to ensure that he’d have enough energy to battle in the afternoon’s cabinet meeting, but Thomas was eating on his own and without any persuasion. 

Sure, the man was eating slower than normal and did appear to be heavily focused on the food that he was consuming. An occupied expression was plastered on Thomas’ face, and James knew that parts of Thomas’ mind were surely trying to convince him to refrain from eating.

However, the rational parts of the man’s mind that had developed control after many years of therapy knew how important it was to eat, and the fact that Thomas was allowing himself to consume food was a promising sign that the man was in control. His morning breakdown had been a strong and unexpected hit but seemed to have thankfully not caused Thomas’ illness to defeat his rational thought, and James allowed himself to hope that Thomas had believed at least some of the positive and motivational words that James had told him during their bathroom talk. 

The only other differences James noticed in his best friend were that Thomas did seem to be quieter than usual as a result from the confidence knock, and James did catch sight of some uncertainty and subdued pain hiding behind his friend’s eyes a couple of times when Thomas broke eye contact.

Yet James was thankful that his best friend no longer was stuck in the completely ruined state that he had been in earlier that day. His chest swelled with pride at how Thomas was fighting to put the morning’s events behind him, while still wishing to remain focused on maintaining his health. Thomas was strong, and James tried to remove the worry that still made him question whether Thomas truly was okay. Neither man mentioned the earlier breakdown over lunch but James knew how grateful Thomas was for the help his best friend was providing; Thomas would be alright, and James was here to support him.

As soon as lunch ended, the pair quickly stopped off at Thomas’ office to allow the taller Virginian to collect his speech papers before making their way towards the cabinet meeting room. 

“You’re going to be great” James assured Thomas as they entered the meeting room. Thomas flashed James a grateful smile and murmured his thanks as the duo took their seats and waited for the cabinet meeting to begin. 

-

Alexander Hamilton raced down the corridor, heart pounding as he increased his purposeful stride; there was no way in hell he was going to allow himself to be late to another meeting! His seemingly endless, recently written speech papers were clutched tightly in his palms, and he burst into the cabinet meeting panting, only a minute before the assembly was scheduled to start. 

Flustered and out of breath, Alex placed his pile of speech papers on George Washington’s desk (said man raised his eyebrows at the vast amount of paper but refrained from commenting) before finding his saved seat next to John Laurens. 

“Geez, what happened to you?” John laughed as Alex removed his jacket and began frantically fanning his flushed face with his hands in an attempt to reduce the redness of his face. 

“I didn’t get the message about the new trial policy of having to write down speeches until an hour ago. I had to work over the lunch hour” Alex sighed, his heart rate beginning to slow down. 

John chuckled and shook his head fondly.

“Really? I can’t believe you didn’t hear about the new policy sooner, people were complaining about it all morning! Jefferson must have gotten the message; he handed in his speech like, ten minutes ago” John said, both men raising their gazes automatically to survey Jefferson and Madison sitting across the room.

The Virginians looked to be in pleasant conversation with each other, and Alexander scowled at how relaxed Thomas Jefferson’s appearance was compared to his own current flustered and breathless state. 

“Of course HE got the message! Asshole probably failed to pass the word on to me or something!” Alex grumbled, causing John to grin again. 

“Well, if it makes you feel any better; I saw Jefferson hand in his papers and he’d definitely not written as much as you have, so you’ll definitely have more to talk about today” John said, and this little fact did raise Alex’s hopes slightly.

At that moment, Washington got to his feet and began signalling for the meeting to commence. As the final remaining conversations died away to leave the room in a buzzing silence, John whispered a quick “Good luck!” in Alex’s ear which gave him a burst of confidence. He was set to present his speech of future proposals against Jefferson and there was no way he’d be letting himself lose to the Virginian.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this afternoon’s cabinet meeting!” Washington’s voice boomed around the room and was met with a chorus of applause.

As Washington began to explain to the assembled room about the nature of what was going to be debated, Alex zoned out of what was being said and found his wandering gaze to suddenly meet with Thomas Jefferson’s.

Jefferson glanced towards the heaped stack of paper on Washington’s desk that Alexander had written before connecting his gaze again with Alex’s and raising his eyebrows. The mocking amused expression on his stupidly attractive face clearly was asking “Seriously?” 

Alexander returned the Virginian’s gaze with a challenging and hateful glare, before zoning back in to Washington’s opening speech just in time for him to register that his own name was being spoken.

“Our Secretary of Treasury will be presenting his case first. Secretary Hamilton, you have the floor, sir” Washington spoke, meeting Alex’s gaze and gesturing warmly for him to begin. 

Alexander stood up confidently and made his way into the room’s centre to introduce his presentation, the supportive applause from his friends surrounding him and urging him on to begin. All eyes in the room were focused upon him and boy, was he going to make their stares worthwhile.

-

After an hour of speaking passionately about his many proposals and future plans, Alexander placed down the microphone and surveyed the cabinet meeting before him. Behind him were his friends who, lead by John, were all applauding and cheering loudly in support of his speech, which caused a happy smile to spread across Alex’s face.

Those present in the meeting who weren’t close to him seemed to express a range of different reactions. Many people were nodding their approvals, while others were wearing expressions of confusion, and some were even shaking their heads as though what Alex had spent an hour suggesting was ridiculous. 

Alex didn’t pay his opposers much attention or thought, and his eyes continued to scan around the whole room as he sat back down, before finally landing on James Madison and Thomas Jefferson who were sitting opposite him.

Madison’s posture was slouched and he wore an expression of boredom as if he were trying hard to stay awake (‘How rude can he be? I didn’t speak for THAT LONG!’ Alex thought indignantly, taking full offence), yet Thomas Jefferson seemed to be the complete opposite of his best friend. 

The taller Virginian had the shining look of intent present in his upright posture and his eyes were alert with knowledge. The man clearly had plenty that he was dying to say, and Alex doubted that any of Jefferson’s points would be in favour of what he’d just spent an hour explaining in detail. 

“Thank you for that, Secretary Hamilton” Washington gestured warmly to Alexander, a gentle and prideful smile placed upon his lips, before he turned back towards the cabinet to introduce Jefferson.

“And now, our Secretary of State will speak. Secretary Jefferson, your response” 

Thomas Jefferson stood up from his chair with confidence that made Alex replace the smile he’d worn with a defensive expression as he prepared himself to listen to his opposition’s attack. Jefferson made his way rapidly into the centre to pick up the microphone, as if he couldn’t wait a single moment more to present his case, and the action only increased Alexander’s annoyance.

Now that his rival’s full body was exposed and viewable as Jefferson prepared to begin speaking, Alex found himself absentmindedly recalling the scene that had taken place earlier in the day. He smirked with a stab of vicious satisfaction as he noticed how Jefferson’s weight gain was still clearly noticeable, specifically in the way the man’s magenta suit hugged his recently enhanced curves in a tighter grip. Alex knew that he was being petty, and that Jefferson’s appearance had nothing to do with how the man was going to attack his ideas, but it still gave him a spiteful sense of pleasure as he regarded his rival’s recently altered appearance.

‘At least I’m not the one who’s gained weight’ Alexander thought snidely as Jefferson began speaking and all focus in the room became captured in the Virginian’s grasp.

-

Jefferson spoke for roughly half an hour, a time significantly less than the amount of time Alexander had taken to present his case, but Alex never should have underestimated the phrase ‘quality over quantity’. 

Despite his speech being shorter in length than Alex’s, the standard of Jefferson’s presentation was extremely high as he addressed the many problems he had with practically all of Alex’s ideas. The man spoke with such a natural flow and intensity that all eyes in the room remained captivated by him throughout his entire speech, and it was clear that Jefferson’s presentation was almost flawless; he addressed all concerns, broke down Alexander’s proposals with ease, highlighted smoothly how specific proposed actions would have apparently ‘devastating’ consequences, and even offered his own detailed solutions to replace Alex’s apparently ‘flawed’ suggestions. 

Alex found himself growing more and more frustrated with his rival as he watched his own hour long presentation of ideas that he had worked so hard on be metaphorically ripped to shreds. Many members of the cabinet were nodding their heads in agreement with Jefferson, and Alexander could almost feel the support that he had previously gained drain away as Jefferson stole the limelight.

When Alexander grew desperate enough to call out in indignation towards the speaking Virginian in an attempt to voice his protests, Washington surprised everyone by ordering Alex swiftly to be quiet; the cabinet’s leader seemed to be intent on hearing the whole of Jefferson’s speech without interruption, and Alex felt his stomach sink.

‘Great job, you’ve gone and disappointed him’ his mind hissed viciously.

After Alex’s outburst, Jefferson glanced briefly in his direction and their eyes met for a split second. The corners of Jefferson’s mouth twitched upwards in an amused smile before he continued speaking as if there had been no interruption, and Alexander felt his blood boil with rage and humiliation.

Finally, Jefferson drew his speech to a close and was met with applause significantly louder than the approval Alexander had received earlier. Alex felt the burn of anger, frustration and humiliation pierce behind his eyes; how dare Jefferson be so arrogant and infuriating as to rip apart his arguments so brutally? After all the work Alexander had done to prepare, he was met with nothing but the opposing opinions and ideas of Thomas Jefferson that had dominated the cabinet meeting. The man had somehow tricked everyone into thinking Alexander’s proposals were heavily flawed! 

Jefferson’s obnoxious southern drawl continued to ring inside Alex’s head as he clenched his jaw in frustration as the applause for the Virginian remained strong. Glancing towards Washington, Alexander was disheartened to see that even he was clapping for Jefferson, and his confidence sunk even lower when he saw the impressed expression on the older man’s face. 

Tearing his eyes away from his mentor, Hamilton directed his gaze instead in the direction of his rival. Jefferson wore a rare expression of happiness, and Alex was slightly surprised when he failed to spot any obvious arrogance present in his rival’s expression. Jefferson’s cheeks looked slightly flushed from receiving so much applause and his eyes shone brightly as he beamed tiredly at James Madison, who patted his best friend proudly and thoroughly on the back. The pair took their seats once more as the remaining applause finally died down, and Alexander’s hatred levels continued to rise towards dangerous levels. 

John noticed how Alexander had begun to shake from a mixture of anger and humiliation, and placed a comforting hand on his best friend’s shoulder as Washington got to his feet once more. 

“Secretary Jefferson has clearly presented a thorough argument and raised some significant points that must be taken into consideration” Washington smiled, nodding his head in Jefferson’s direction before turning towards Alexander.

“Secretary Hamilton, I admire your ideas, but you will benefit from conversing with Secretary Jefferson and taking onboard his comments in order to strengthen your proposals before they can be completely suitable” Washington stated softly, his caring eyes meeting with Alexander’s own hurt ones. 

The statement was a clear indication of which Secretary had won the cabinet battle, and Jefferson received another round of applause that had Alexander standing up abruptly from his desk in anger. The meeting was finished and people began collecting papers and filing out of the room, but the shorter man had no intention of leaving the meeting without confronting Jefferson on his bullshit. 

Alexander stormed over to the taller Virginian and slammed his hands down on the man’s desk before pointing an accusing finger in Jefferson’s face. Alexander heard a member of the cabinet exclaim loudly “Oh boy, here we go again” and the comment only fuelled his anger as he glared into the mildly amused face of Thomas Jefferson. 

“What the fuck, Jefferson?! That was utter bullshit!” Alexander snarled, and Jefferson raised his eyebrows in distain. 

“Well, if you’re referring to that hour long waste of time that you made everyone here suffer through, I wholeheartedly agree with you Hamilton” Jefferson replied smoothly, and his comment received a few barks of laughter from the cabinet’s onlookers.

Before Alexander could reply, John was suddenly by his side.

“He isn’t worth it Alex, come on let’s go” John insisted, flipping Jefferson off as he attempted to drag Alex away from the confrontation. However, Alexander certainly wasn’t leaving without a fight, or at least an apology from Jefferson, and he roughly shrugged John’s hands off.

“You know just as well as I do that my ideas ARE valid; you just have a problem with them because the ideas came from me! This is completely personal, Jefferson!” Alex glared, crossing his arms almost protectively over his chest.

Jefferson sighed as he began to pack up his desk notes, Madison standing by the man’s side in an almost protectively wary manor that annoyed Alexander even more. 

“Look Hamilton, you heard what Washington said; your ideas aren’t completely bad, but you need to take onboard the criticisms of others before your proposals can be deemed acceptable” Jefferson explained, his tone measured and clear as if he wished to end the conversation there. 

The rational part of Alexander’s mind knew that Jefferson was (for once) acting maturely, and part of Alex even admitted that what Jefferson was stating seemed genuine and possibly even worthwhile. However, the larger and more fiery part inside of him refused to believe Jefferson’s words out of spite, and became fuelled by the humiliation of having his ideas dismissed, and by the anger he naturally felt when the person to point out his flaws happened to be Thomas Jefferson.

“You think you’re just so AMAZING, don’t you Jefferson?” Alex hissed, humiliation and fury taking control of his dialogue again.

“Umm....yes?” Jefferson asked, amusement layering his tone as he finished packing up his notes. Madison laughed and took hold of Jefferson’s arm. The duo attempted to walk past Alexander, but the furious immigrant refused to move out of their way. All eyes in the room were now focused on the confrontation, onlookers prepared to see a fight begin as Alexander desperately tried to spit out a worthy insult into Thomas Jefferson’s tired but now smirking face.

“Jefferson, why don’t you go and shove your ever growing problematic opinions up your ass? It would be a better use of your time, rather than wasting the day drawling on about.......shit”

It was a weak insult that Alexander painfully acknowledged the moment after he’d said it. Jefferson snorted and shook his head tiredly. The man truly was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to take a nap and be rid of Hamilton; Thomas wasn’t in the mood for any more confrontation today and certainly didn’t have enough energy to deal with the angry Secretary. 

“Well, i could say the same to you, Hamilton” Thomas stated simply, yawning absentmindedly which caused James Madison to snigger.

Alexander felt his anger levels rise past dangerous levels and overflow, his body shaking and his fists clenched tightly by his sides. An overwhelming feeling of hatred for Thomas Jefferson overtook his mind and, in that moment, Alex wanted nothing more than to cause the other man pain. He was sick of dealing with Jefferson’s bullshit and despised the way in which the taller man always defied his ideas no matter what.

In his rage fuelled mind, Alex contemplated punching Jefferson to wipe that infuriating smirk off his stupid face...... but suddenly, Alex remembered that he did in fact now know Jefferson’s apparent weakness! All at once he recalled the morning’s events, especially the pained expression that Jefferson had supported after his weight gain had been pointed out publicly. 

Before he even properly registered what he was doing, Alexander opened his mouth and let out a bark of cold laughter, before connecting his eyes with the Virginian’s and speaking harshly into the other man’s face.

“True, but YOUR ass is actually now FAT enough for all your opinions to fit up there. Talk about weight gain for a purpose!” 

Time seemed to freeze after Alexander had uttered those cruel words. The room fell into an uneven silence as onlookers registered what Hamilton had just said, and Jefferson’s eyes widened in pure shock. Just as Alexander had predicted, the smile was instantly removed from Jefferson’s face and replaced with that strange expression which could possibly be labelled as despair. Their eyes stayed connected, and Alexander found himself smirking in satisfaction as Jefferson’s discomfort became extremely obvious to everyone watching the confrontation. 

‘He deserves this; think of all the ways he undermines you on a daily basis!’ the spiteful part of Alexander’s mind assured him. 

Then, abruptly, time seemed to resume all at once. Alexander heard bursts of laughter, and he turned around to see how multiple members of the cabinet who had heard his exclamation were currently looking Jefferson up and down. Many were sniggering and whispering to each other, and it took Alexander a second to realise how they must be discussing Jefferson’s weight, a fact that he had just declared for all to hear and subsequently judge Jefferson on.

It was almost surreal how only five minutes ago almost all the cabinet members had been in favour of Jefferson’s ideas, yet now many of the same people were smirking at the Virginian they’d previously given their support to. Alexander felt the strange sense of taking back the limelight; it seemed almost redeeming and the feeling was incredibly empowering.

Turning back to face his rival, Alexander didn’t get another word out before the furious face of James Madison appeared in his vision; the shorter Virginian had stepped in front of his best friend protectively, and the man was literally shaking with anger as he glared ferociously into Alexander’s eyes. The man’s dynamic reaction startled Alex slightly, as he was so used to Jefferson being the Virginian who openly expressed anger, while Madison almost always supported a very relaxed and calm persona.

Glancing past Madison, Alex saw how Jefferson stood a few paces behind his best friend with his arms crossed across his recently chubbier chest, his head down and his fingers digging into his arms. Jefferson’s cloud of curls obscured most of his face, but from what little Alexander could see of Jefferson’s expression, the man definitely looked upset.

‘Geez, he needs to pull himself together; all I said was one little comment!’ Alexander mentally scoffed before Madison interrupted his thoughts.

“If you want to start something Hamilton, you can start it with me” the shorter Virginian hissed and Alex blinked before scoffing.

“What, you’re mad that I insulted your boyfriend? From my experience, I’m pretty sure he can fight his own battles. Oh, and Jefferson?” Alexander laughed before ignoring Madison and addressing the taller Virginian.

“You might wanna repeat some of those ideas that you had; every time you turned around during your speech, the view was rather...obstructing to say the least, and I’m sure that I wasn’t the only one who was distracted!” Alex laughed loudly, hyperbolically raising his eyebrows as he stared at Jefferson’s ass. 

Alexander absentmindedly heard Washington’s raised voice from across the room, but the President’s scolding was inaudible over the vast amounts of laughter from onlookers, a reaction that had been caused by Alex’s crude comment. However, Madison interrupted him again before he could make any further insults.

“I’m sorry, but were you dropped on your head as an infant? Back the fuck off, Hamilton” the shorter Virginian hissed and Alexander chuckled before raising his voice again as he continued to taunt Jefferson over Madison’s shoulder, until he felt a strong pair of arms forcefully separate him from the Virginians.

Looking up, Alexander saw the stern face of George Washington piecing down upon him, and the man was wearing such a strong an expression of anger and disappointment that the laughter from onlookers instantly died away. Out of the corner of his eye, Alex saw the hunched figure of Thomas Jefferson push through the crowd of onlookers before the man all but sprinted out of the cabinet meeting door with James Madison hot on his heels.

“That is not how any member of my cabinet is expected to behave!” Washington boomed, and any amusement left on Alexander’s face from taunting his rival vanished instantly. 

Washington proceeded to lecture Alex on “respect of colleagues” and “public decency” before informing Alexander that he was “not impressed” by his behaviour, and that they would continue their talk later. The President then ordered everyone to get back to work and as everyone began filing out of the cabinet meeting, many people still discussing the new topic of Jefferson’s weight gain in low whispered voices, John caught up with Alex. The pair made eye contact before John cracked a smile.

“Dude, that was one way to come back after that cabinet meeting! I mean, the look on his face; you totally showed him who’s boss!” he laughed, punching Alex on the shoulder affectionately. 

Looking back on this particular cabinet meeting in the future, Alexander would realise that it had been a turning point of significance, and a moment where he’d crossed a very fine line.

Future Alexander would re-evaluate how Thomas Jefferson has reacted to his harsh words and be able to see how harmful his actions were.

Future Alexander would kick himself for not registering how damaging his words had been to the Virginian, but all Alexander Hamilton did now was continue to laugh and joke with John Lauren’s, completely oblivious to the fact that actions can have devastating consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaah hope this chapter was alright, please feel free to leave kudos/comments/constructive criticism/literally anything down below! i will try to update asap so stay tuned and thanks again for reading xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex continues to mock Thomas about his weight gain, and said man struggles to make it through a workday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo the reason that this chapter took longer to post was.... ah
> 
> i accidentally deleted the chapter's beginning, twice, and had to rewrite it, twice.
> 
> i've also been very busy with auditioning for colleges, but i should have more time to write soon, so hopefully updates will be posted more frequently :)
> 
> anyways, hope you all enjoy this chapter xx

Over the following week after the eventful cabinet battle, Alexander, along with John, continued to repeatedly mock Jefferson about his weight gain and the recent changes in his appearance, mainly because they became increasingly amused at how different Jefferson’s reactions to the comments were compared to his usual calm, confident and controlled persona. 

The pair would publicly catcall, whistle loudly and drop snide weight related comments at the man whenever they got the chance, be it when Jefferson passed the duo in the corridors on the way to his office, or whenever the Virginian happened to be in the common room at the same time as them. 

Since the beginning of their rivalry, Alexander had always felt an adrenaline rush whenever he fought with Thomas Jefferson during their routine cabinet meetings, and both men always continued their routine feuds strongly and publicly outside of the meetings via mockery, frequent jeering and the directing of snide comments at one another no matter their topic of debate. Both men were highly intelligent, similar in many ways (both passionate, hardworking, relentless etc) and many new onlookers would assume, before witnessing one of their fiery cabinet debates, that Alexander and Thomas would naturally be friends. Yet neither rival ever missed an opportunity to gain the upper hand over the other, and their competitive antics were pretty much routine by now. Their fights were a commonly anticipated and discussed form of entertainment, and many other cabinet members often looked forward to having the pleasure of watching the two men hurl insults across the cabinet at each other, the arguments usually having to be forcefully ended by a grave faced, frustrated and clearly exhausted George Washington. Alexander didn’t know exactly why fighting with Jefferson felt different from arguing with others (and boy, had Alexander battled in his fair share of fights!), but their feuds often felt as if they were fuelled by some underlying connection that gave a somewhat personal feeling to the disagreements, which possibly explained why neither rival was ever willing to lose and be outshone by the other.

Therefore, Alexander saw Jefferson’s recent weight gain as a glorious opportunity for humiliation. It wasn’t as if the rivals hadn’t targeted each other’s appearances before in previous battles; Jefferson frequently reminded Alex of their height difference, and Alex had previously mocked his rival’s unique choices of clothing without restraint (what sane person even wears magenta?). The only difference now was that Alex’s remarks regarding Jefferson’s weight gain seemed to actually cause a damaging effect to his rival, and even allowed Alex to feel a sense of accomplishment whenever he dropped a passing crude weight related comment at the Virginian, and Jefferson’s subsequent reaction was to become uncharacteristically speechless. Yet, as the week went on and the mockery continued, Alexander began to become confused as to why that strange look of pain always flashed across Jefferson’s face whenever his weight gain or change in appearance was mentioned.

Furthermore, Alex wondered why the man never broke out from his speechless state to retaliate back at Alexander with his own harsh comment. Alex understood their game that was being played (hell, the rivals had been playing this activity practically ever since they’d met!) and he knew that Jefferson’s next move would naturally be to attack Alexander with his own cruel form of mockery. He’d witnessed the way in which Jefferson’s incredible way with words could almost have anyone wrapped around his finger, and often secretly admired how naturally smooth Jefferson’s retaliations were, no matter the situation. Thomas Jefferson seemed to always have the perfect comeback simply waiting to fly off the tip of his tongue, and it was a skill that Alexander envied deeply, especially when Jefferson frequently succeeded in winning arguments simply because Alexander stumbled on his words due to anger, or ran out of suitable comebacks to be of any match against Jefferson’s immaculate dialogue.

So Jefferson’s unexpected reaction to any weight related comment left Alexander baffled as to why, with his communication capability and highly intelligent mind, the man continued to remain silent and seemed to express a complete refusal to participate in any retaliation that would defend himself from Alexander's verbal attacks.

This confusion lead to Alexander’s moral conscience questioning whether Jefferson was actually allowing himself to feel pain whenever Alex mocked his weight, but the immigrant had insulted Thomas Jefferson countless times before, and Alex had established long ago how annoyingly thick the Virginian’s skin truly was. Never before had Alexander witnessed any of his insults actually cause the other man to freeze up and wear such an expression of...anguish? 

Alexander couldn’t figure out the reasons and motives behind the man’s strange reactions to his words, and began to assume that Jefferson’s hurt expression or hunched body language was simply an overreaction, possibly due to the man being embarrassed for his pride or overly sensitive that his ‘flawless’ appearance was being challenged. Alexander even wondered whether Jefferson had decided to try out a new argument tactic and actually fake the painful expression in an attempt to force Alex to feel guilty about his mockery, and this bold assumption made Alexander scoff and simply subdue his moral conscience’s worries.

However, Alexander did have to admit that, while causing Jefferson to freeze up (instead of the man biting back in his usual fashion fast enough to give Alex whiplash) was a nice change in their usual routine, their power competitions were ultimately based on the spite that both men openly directed towards each other. Alex began to notice how battling in a one-sided rivalry felt eerily hollow without the returned familiar southern drawl of a response. Jefferson’s usual participation truly installed the passionate fire into their daily taunts.

Without his rival’s contribution, Alexander began to lose the sense of fulfilment that he usually gained from their fights, when all that happened in the ‘argument’ was simply Alex dropping a crude comment, and Jefferson remaining in an (apparently painful) silence.

The immigrant predicted that Jefferson would soon snap out of whatever pathetic tactic he was testing out, or simply get over himself in order to re-engage in their game. He assured himself that it wouldn’t be long before their rivalry returned to normal, and Alex found himself anticipating Thomas Jefferson’s upcoming and expected form of retaliation with feelings of eagerness and excitement.

\- 

The morning sun streamed into Thomas Jefferson’s apartment through the gaps his bedroom curtains, rays of light to licking across the sleeping man’s face and causing chocolate eyelids to flutter slowly open. Brightness blinded Thomas and, for a single and cherished moment, everything felt peaceful as his sleep-induced mind focused only upon the morning’s illumination.

Then, reality broke the tranquil facade and made its cutting presence known.

All at once, Thomas registered his sore eyes aching with a painful sting due to the many tears he’d shed the previous night, and due to his subsequent lack of sleep. His body ached from being curled up tightly under the blankets throughout the night, and the t-shirt Thomas had been wearing clung to his back due to sweat; the month was only June but already the summer temperatures were rising.

The Virginian usually appreciated the summer mornings’ welcoming light, but today all the brightness brought to Thomas was emptiness and dread that pooled heavily in the pit of his stomach.

Thomas Jefferson lay completely still for a moment, his empty pupils staring blankly at the bedroom ceiling’s overhead texture. His body’s mental and physical exhaustion begged him to close his eyes once more and drift off into the peaceful nothingness of sleep to seek comfort. Anything would be better than starting the day and welcoming all the pain that would simply begin with getting out of bed. So much pain....

Yet, the rational part of Thomas’ mind reminded him softly of the day’s obligations that truly could not be missed. Today was a work day; Thomas had papers to write, deadlines to meet and even a speech to present in the afternoon’s cabinet meeting to Washington and his peers. Life was impatient and would never dream of placing it’s pressing responsibilities on pause to give Thomas the satisfaction of having space to breathe, nor would it wait for him to catch up. Thomas couldn’t afford to be left behind and face the consequences.

Reluctantly, the man raised himself slowly into a sitting position and aired out his damp t-shirt with his hands in an attempt to lower his body temperature while taking some deep breaths. It wasn’t usual for Thomas to wear shirts to bed, and never normally in the hot summer months, but the previous night’s worry of waking up and catching a glimpse of his chest and stomach had been enough for Thomas to seek out a form of clothing for coverage and to prevent himself from sleeping shirtless.

Using an enormous amount of effort, all parts of his body pleading against the movement, Thomas carefully lifted himself out of bed and walked slowly into the bathroom. Each tread on the carpet felt almost impossible, and Thomas began splashing his face rapidly with cold water while staring hard at the sink’s plug to prevent himself from catching sight of his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He didn’t want to experience the familiar sinking feelings of hopelessness and distress at the sight of his hideous appearance.

It was routine for Thomas to take a morning shower. The warm water was normally found to be a pleasant comfort, and the time spent showering usually allowed the Virginian to relax under the water’s enjoyable spray before beginning the busy work day.

However today, after stripping and stepping into the shower hastily, all Thomas could think about was the heaviness of his physique, specifically when he felt his thighs rub together under the onslaught of water, or when he felt the seemingly endless layers of fat under his touch when he began to wash his skin. Any thought of relaxing was removed from his mind, and Thomas closed his eyes tightly shut to prevent himself from having to bear witness to his body, feeling consumed by sadness and shame; he hadn't experienced problems with showering for ages, and he’d been doing SO WELL until now....

Being unable to stand the discomfort for too long, the Virginian finished showering in record time and, a few minutes later, Thomas found himself standing in front of his open wardrobe observing his many outfits. A sea of colour and materials of all uniquenesses met his gaze; Thomas adored fashion and owned countless ensembles that he treasured and wore publicly with passion, no matter if many of his attires raised some eyebrows.

Thomas carefully picked out a lovely dark blue suit to wear that hadn’t been worn for a few months, but immediately began to feel panicked when he attempted to change into the outfit; all the Virginian could focus on was the feeling of his body against the material as he prayed for the outfit to still fit his size, and how it was required of him to look into the mirror in order to check whether the suit was in a suitable condition to wear or not.

After a moment, Thomas took a deep breath and faced his reflection in the mirror. The suit looked fine (the darkened ultramarine shade shined beautifully against the dark colour of his skin) but Thomas’ eyes stung with the oncoming threat of tears as he regarded the appearance of his body.

Ever since Alexander Hamilton had begun to point out his weight gain with snide comments and laughter, nothing could prevent Thomas from seeing his body as anything but disgusting. He knew that the perception he held about himself was distorted in his mind due to his eating disorder’s toxicity, but that didn’t prevent Thomas from being appalled at the mere sight of his reflection.

Thomas was frozen in front of the mirror, his hard gaze locked upon his reflection as his mind criticised every aspect of his appearance, but especially how utterly fat his body looked straining against his suit. The man’s levels of desperation raised with every second’s thought and his heart clenched painfully as his mind became consumed once more with overpowering self-hatred.

He looked ridiculous; his weight gain was extremely obvious so people at work today were bound to notice straight away. Thomas wanted more and more to fade away into nothingness the longer he stared into the mirror, his mind attempting to counteract the desperation with comforting grounding techniques that he'd learnt from various therapists, but he was suddenly distracted from his thoughts by the sound of his phone receiving a text alert.

Thomas pulled his gaze away from the mirror and spotted the incoming text from James Madison on his phone screen. The sight of his best friend’s name raised Thomas’ spirits slightly, but the momentary happiness he briefly felt was immediately destroyed when Thomas read the text; James had come down with a sickness bug in the night and wouldn’t be going into work. Thomas texted back immediately, asking if James needed him to come over to help or if there was anything Thomas could get for the unwell man, but the other Virginian quickly replied that he would be alright. James also made sure in his text to remind Thomas to ‘eat’ and wished him ‘good luck!’ with his cabinet speech.

The taller Virginian let out a gloomy sigh and rubbed a hand over his face. Over the past week, Thomas had come to realise truly how extensive his dependence on James was, and also how lucky he was to have such a loyal and understanding best friend. Thomas' mind drifted back to how the man had sprinted after him when Hamilton's comments after the cabinet meeting earlier that week had been too much for him to cope with, and recalled the soothing feeling of James' arms wrapped tightly around him to accompany the comforting words he'd spoken as Thomas had cried softly into his chest. The pair had remained in that position until James had been satisfied that Thomas' sobs had ceased; the man’s loyalty never allowed Thomas to suffer alone, and James always made sure his best friend was completely calmed down before the Virginian even contemplated leaving Thomas' side.

Thomas grimaced in shame as he remembered how his cabinet meeting breakdown had been the second one that he'd experienced in the day; James must have felt exhausted after comforting Thomas from the broken messes that he'd been trapped in after the receiving the unexpected comments. Thomas felt guilty that James saw it as an obligation to help him (despite the shorter Virginian always insisting that it was "no problem"), yet also felt extremely relieved to have the other man by his side, seeing as Thomas often found it incredibly difficult to calm himself down without James' help. James had been by Thomas' side for as long as either man could remember (yet Thomas still occasionally felt that he didn’t deserve James’ support and friendship) and the shorter Virginian had experience with witnessing Thomas at his lowest moments and providing the appropriate aid.

Thomas Jefferson was doing everything he could to prevent himself from falling into the darkest pits of his mind; every weight-related comment that he’d received over the past week had felt like a shove closer towards the consuming darkness, but the support provided by James gave him renewed strength to continue hanging on and fighting against his insecurities and self-loathing, which longed to drag him screaming and kicking into an episode of depression. 

Taking another deep breath, Thomas tried to reassure himself that he would be fine today at work without James being there; it was only for one day, James was likely to recover soon and the man was only a phone call away after all. Thomas would be alright. He just needed to get the day over with as quickly as possible, and the Virginian made a mental note to visit his sick friend later that evening, or at least call if James was too unwell to wish for company. The day also happened to be a Friday so at least there wouldn’t be any obligation for him to go into work tomorrow and, after the week he’d dealt with, Thomas knew he desperately needed the weekend’s break to recover both mentally and physically.

After one final glance at his reflection, his stomach still clenching tightly at the sight, Thomas quickly left his bedroom and hurried downstairs. There was no time to contemplate changing his outfit and, despite said outfit making Thomas want to cry, he knew the issue he had with the suit was simply to do with his own body’s appearance, and that problem would be still be present even if Thomas spent an hour trying on every single item of clothing that he owned. Also, if he wasn’t careful, he’d end up being late to work which would attract even more unwanted attention, and Thomas, a man who usually flourished in the attention he’d normally attract, recently found himself praying more and more frequently to be ignored and left alone in the company of others in the workplace.

Thomas grabbed his car keys and was about to leave his appartment, when a loud growling noise emanated from his stomach that made the Virginian pause in the shadow of his front door frame. Thomas only then remembered how he’d barely eaten anything for dinner the previous night (as an aftermath of the comments he’d received from Hamilton that day) and also recalled the text he’d recieved containing James’ friendly but clear reminder for him to eat. 

The Virginian paused for a moment longer, fighting in a familiar mental battle; half of his mind (the part that was cheered on by the self-loathing his eating disorder had burdened him with) hissed for him to deny himself of food, insisting that he could go without the calories and that eating would only make him more fat, while the other half of his mind supplied Thomas with evidence of why eating was incredibly important if he were to have any hope of making it through the day.

Finally, Thomas came to a compromise by grabbing an apple that he could eat for breakfast once he got to work (the piece of fruit was healthy and barely contained any calories), simply because he didn’t want to let James down when the man had made large efforts to keep Thomas healthy throughout the week; James had insisted that the Virginians were to eat together at lunch and had even brought Thomas his favourite food of 'mac and cheese' more than once that week in an attempt to cheer his best friend up, while simultaneously trying to convince Thomas to eat something. Thomas felt guilty whenever he'd insisted that he was 'full' after barely eating, and James' face would subsequently fall into an expression of immense concern. The last thing Thomas wanted was for James to feel any distress via worrying about him. 

-

It didn't take long for Thomas to complete the drive to work, and the Virginian entered the building slightly earlier then usual. This meant that there were thankfully less people hanging around who would notice his entrance. Thomas kept his eyes trained on the carpet as he made his way briskly towards his office, but the man didn't get very far before he heard a familiar and friendly voice call his name.

"Hey, Thomas!"

Thomas jumped slightly, his body automatically tensing with the expectation of receiving a hurtful jibe, but visibly relaxed when his gaze met with Peggy Schuyler's warm-hearted irises.

The shorter woman worked as a secratary and there wasn't a single person who disliked her; Peggy was extremely good-natured and wore a permanently bright smile that shone over everyone who had the pleasure of meeting her. Thomas got on well with the Schuyler sister, and he attempted to return Peggy's welcoming smile despite wanting nothing more than to escape from the interaction; it was nothing personal against the woman, but recently Thomas had simply been finding conversations more difficult to participate in due to his dispiriting emotions.

However, Peggy's beam seemed to falter slightly as she observed the Virginian before her, and her affectionate expression morphed into one of concern and even sympathy. Thomas mentally kicked himself for not ensuring that his smile had been genuine enough to convince her that he was fine.

"You doing alright, Thomas?" Peggy asked softly, her knowledgable eyes surveying over Thomas' slightly hunched body language, tired eyes and exhausted persona.

'Shit, she's bound to have noticed the weight gain' Thomas internally cursed, before flashing one of his signature five star grins.

"I'm fine, thanks Peggy. Just a little tired is all" he replied smoothly, hoping that Peggy would be satisfied with his answer, and that this would be the end of their conversation.

Alas, Peggy look of concern seemed only intensify and she placed a comforting hand on Thomas' shoulder.

"You don't look so good Thomas, are you sick? Would you like me to call you in as unwell?" she offered kindly, and her suggestion made Thomas' heart leap with hope; there was nothing the exhausted man wanted more than to go home and escape that day's obligations and anticipated pain. However, Thomas sadly knew that leaving work today wasn't an option; his speech was scheduled to be presented that afternoon. 

"Nah, that's okay thanks, Peggy. Think I just need to lie down for a little bit" the Virginian assured her, before saying a quick farewell and hurrying off towards his office. His mind registered Peggy calling after him, and he knew that he'd just been rude to someone who was only trying to help, but Thomas was aware that he couldn't have stayed in the conversation much longer before panicking and openly giving away his pain.

The Virginian's office was on the second floor of the building, and Thomas ensured that he took the stairs instead of the usual elevator in order to burn a few calories. However, as he reached the second floor and began to make his way towards his office door, Thomas' stomach sunk as he immediately spotted the figure of Alexander Hamilton making his way along the corridor towards him. The immigrant was accompanied by Aaron Burr, and the pair seemed to be in pleasant conversation as they drew closer towards the Virginian. Thomas internally cursed and attempted to reach his office before the pair noticed his presence, but at that moment Alexander raised his gaze and his eyes locked with Thomas'.

Aaron also spotted Thomas and gave him a friendly wave, opening his mouth as if to begin a conversation with the Virginian, but anything that Aaron was about to utter in greeting was interrupted by Alexander's bark of laughter. Thomas groaned and clenched his fists tightly, his mind preparing him for whatever insult Hamilton was about to taunt him with. By now, Thomas had come to expect the impending catcall but the anticipation did nothing to stop his stomach sinking with dread as his mind hissed that Hamilton knew how fat he was, and that he was about to receive a public reminder of said fact.

"Hey, Jeffershit! Have you actually started using the stairs now instead of the elevator? It's about time; those calories aren't going to burn themselves!" Alex called, his gaze focusing on Thomas to analyse the man's reaction, and to see if any of Jefferson's usual mannerisms of returned aggression were present.

The jibe wasn't particularly brutal (Hamilton had uttered harsher and more spiteful insults in the past) but the implication of Thomas' weight gain was still present in the man's words, which didn't fail to make the Virginian feel like shit. With his eyes downcast, Thomas ignored Hamilton and continued walking towards his office without starting any confrontation. He failed to spot Alexander’s expression of slight confusion and the glare Burr shot at the immigrant; all Thomas could focus on right now was making it into the safety and peace of his office. His heart was beating slightly faster than usual and his body felt heavier, and the latter feeling made Thomas feel even worse as levels of self-hatred rose. 

As the Virginian entered his office, he let out a sigh of relief before rubbing the palms of his hands over his face in exhaustion. Sadness threatened to overwealm him but Thomas shook his head slightly in defiance; he’d made it to his office, he was here to work and his emotions were just going to have to be repressed at least until the day was over.

\- 

In order to attempt to distract himself from his mind’s toxicity, Thomas threw himself into his work and remained sitting at his office desk for a solid four hours straight. Thankfully, nobody interrupted his writing, and his levels of concentration were gratefully maintained until lunchtime arrived. Thomas placed down his pen with a sigh and shook out his writing hand in an attempt to reduce the significant ache in his digits. The man’s stomach growled and alerted the man of the hunger that had previously been ignoring; Thomas had stuck to his word and eaten his apple a couple of hours ago for James’ sake, but had refused to comply to his body’s wishes for the consumption of more food until now.

Thomas rested his chin in the palm of his hand and closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to attempt to organise his thoughts, before the man took a deep breath and raised himself stiffly up from his office chair. It would be the first time this week that Thomas would be eating lunch by himself seeing as James was absent, and Thomas half expected his friend to enter his office holding a bowl of his favourite macaroni cheese dish. Said event had happened twice that week already, and Thomas had practically fallen out of his chair laughing the first time James had entered in the style of a waiter holding the dish. The memory made Thomas smile slightly, before sighing and massaging his temples as his thoughts again became too overwhelming. 

He knew that James would later be asking him whether he’d eaten lunch or not, and Thomas knew he’d feel guilty lying to his best friend when James cared so much about him and continued to worry about Thomas’ health. Eating lunch today would subdue at least some of James’ worries, and Thomas was suddenly reminded of his upcoming speech that he’d be performing that afternoon. Eating something was required to ensure his focus would be maintained during his performance.

Thomas also assured himself that he could choose something small and light to eat for lunch, but these comforting thoughts did nothing to prevent the man’s stride towards the canteen from being reluctant and weighted down by the dread of eating. Thomas logically knew that if he wanted to lose weight, eating healthily was a necessity. Yet, the man knew that all he’d be able to think about during lunch would be the amount of calories he’d be consuming that would only increase his weight.

As he entered the canteen, the strong smells of cooking food wafted towards his nostrils, and Thomas began to feel slightly sick. His mind screamed how fat and weak he was by allowing himself to indulge in the privilege of eating, but Thomas grit his teeth together and marched onwards; he was doing this for James. He would force himself to eat and deal with all his unwanted feelings later.

Come on, he could do this. 

-

“This food is actually disgusting, what the fuck am I even eating right now?”

Alexander snorted with laughter at John’s sudden outcry of disgust and leaned across the table to glance across his friend’s plate.

”Looks like some kind of...pasta?” Alex commented, grinning as John pulled a face of revulsion before spitting out his food and pushed the plate to the far end of the table.

”Jesus, is it even possible for you two to act maturely? We’re trying to eat here” Angelica sighed, shaking her head as Peggy giggled behind her hand. The five of them were sitting around a central table in the canteen; Alexander, John, Angelica, Peggy and, surprisingly, Burr, who’d chosen today to unexpectedly accept the offer of having lunch with Alex and his friends. The man was rather quiet as everyone ate, but chipped into the conversations here and there.

”Nah, I’m going to have to rate whatever that was a brutal one out of five stars” John declared as he began pinching the food from Alexander’s plate.

”Hey! Go and get yourself something else to eat!” Alexander playfully shoved his friend away before gesturing to the growing queue of people waiting in line to collect their lunches.

John glanced towards the queue before giving a short laugh and shaking his head.

”Ha, thanks but no thanks; look who just walked in!”

Everyone looked up in time to see the tall figure of Thomas Jefferson entering the canteen in an almost awkward fashion, before making his way briskly to join the back of the queue.

Alex’s eyes narrowed slightly in concentration as he took in the sight of his rival; he couldn’t quite place his finger on it, but there was something different about Jefferson, besides from his weight gain. Maybe it was to do with how the man’s stance lacked any of the usual confident and bold charisma as Jefferson stood waiting in the food line, his hands clasped tightly together in front of him. The man looked strangely lost; the outstanding blue shade of his suit appeared diminished when accompanied with Jefferson’s strange expression of what appeared to be apprehension, and anyone observing the Virginian would immediately spot the way Jefferson was fidgeting on the spot uncomfortably.

However, instead of voicing any of his thoughts to the group, Alexander only scoffed.

”Ew, Jeffershit’s here to grace us all with his presence”

”Where’s Madison? Those two are never apart” Angelica commented, her eyes also narrowing faintly in confusion.

”He called in sick this morning” Peggy informed her, the younger Schuyler sister also staring at the Virginian with a somewhat concerned expression on her face.

Alex snorted, tearing his eyes away from Jefferson and glancing back down to his plate before continuing to eat his meal.

”Again? That’s like, the third time he’s been off sick this month!” John exclaimed loudly.

“Awww, poor Jefferson isn’t going to have anyone to eat with” Alexander mocked lightly, earning a chuckle from John.

“Well...we could invite him to sit with us?” Peggy suggested amicably.

”What?! No way!” Alexander and John exclaimed together in unison.

”Trust me, Peggy, you don’t want someone like Jeffershit sitting with us!” Alex added, shuddering hyperbolically at the thought.

”You don’t know him that well, Alexander.” Angelica stated simply.

Alex snorted before replying.

“Believe me, Angelica, after battling him countless times in all our cabinet meetings and being forced to listen to all the bullshit he declares, I’m pretty sure that I know the dipshit well enough!”

“Well, Thomas is always very friendly to me whenever I speak with him. He acts like such a gentleman.” Peggy argued pleasantly, before her kind smile faltered slightly.

“Although, I am worried about him; this morning we talked briefly and he seemed...odd” she added, a frown creasing her forehead.

“What do you mean, 'odd' ?” Angelica asked, raising her eyebrows.

"He didn't look too well; he seemed to be exhausted and...different somehow. He insisted that he was fine, but I'm pretty sure that something is wrong" Peggy continued, but she was interrupted by a loud snort of laughter from Alexander.

"Well it's obvious; isn't it? He's gained weight. That's all that's different about him!" Alex chuckled.

This comment caused both Schuyler sisters to look up in surprise and fix Alexander with identical looks of confusion. Alex raised his eyebrows in response to their bewildered expressions.

"Haven't any of you noticed how fat he's gotten recently? He's probably just feeling embarassed that he's let himself go!" the immigrant explained, shrugging his shoulders.

This blunt statement caused Angelica and Peggy's looks of confusion to only deepen as everyone glanced over at the Virginian again.

"Thomas isn't fat!" Peggy exclaimed after a moment of staring, shaking her head.

"Well, he's certainly not thin!" John laughed.

Before anyone else could respond with their opinion on Jefferson’s weight, Burr spoke quietly.

"Maybe the only reason that Thomas is feeling ‘embarrassed’ is because you keep making fun of him, Alexander" he stated. 

Everyone became suddenly quiet at this comment.

"What do you mean?" Angelica asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

"Hey, I'm not saying anything to him that he wouldn't be saying to me if the situations were reversed! We're rivals, remember?" Alex insisted, brushing off Burr's comment quickly.

"Well...after you body shamed him in that cabinet meeting earlier this week, I’m not surprised that he's been quieter than usual" Burr said, his eyes meeting with Alexanders across the table. 

"Excuse me? Body shamed? Please, all I did was tease him a little!" Alexander spluttered.

All of a sudden, Angelica was fixing Alex with a stony glare and Peggy glanced back worriedly over at the shuffling Jefferson.

"What exactly have you been saying to him?" Angelica asked, her voice taking on a dangerously low tone.

"Hey, Jefferson has very thick skin and it's not like he hasn't verbally attacked Alex before" John said, sticking up for Alex as Angelica turned on him.

The older Schuyler sister began to question and scold Alexander on his choices of words, and all five of them were so occupied with their current conversation that nobody spotted how Thomas Jefferson was suddenly bolting from the canteen, tears building in his irises and threatening to roll down his cheeks.

-

Thomas joined the back of the lunch queue tentatively and clasped his hands tightly together in front of his chest in an attempt to prevent any nervous tremors from being noticeable. He tried to calm himself down and reassure himself that picking up lunch wasn't such a difficult task to complete; all he had to do was choose something, sit down somewhere and eat. Simple! He'd be fine; everyone else could eat lunch easily, and he’s been managing to eat with James, so why should he allow it be a problem for him any longer? He was going to do this.

The Virginian's thoughts were interrupted by the sudden and sharp tap he received on his shoulder. Turned around with his eyebrows raised, Thomas found himself faced to face with none other than the smirking expression worn by Charles Lee.

Thomas sighed before scowling; he'd never gotten along with Charles Lee, and the two men had fought against one another in more than one argument in the past. Thomas found Lee to be extremely irritating due to his arrogance, and Charles always seemed to be jealous of Thomas' capability to formulate endless intelligent arguments and comebacks to almost anything thrown at him. There was a solid dislike between the two, and usually both men tried to ignore each other as much as possible, but clearly today Charles Lee had other ideas regarding their icy relationship.

"Hey, Jefferson! How are you doing today?" Lee asked, a leer spreading across his face as he patted Thomas forcefully on the back.

Thomas shook off Lee's intruding arm and replied coldly that he was "Fine"; normally the Virginian would formulate a more cutting and extensive response, but Thomas was drained of energy and needed to focus on the challenging task of choosing something suitable to eat, rather than participating in an argument with Lee. He only hoped that the other man would leave him alone and stop bothering him sooner rather than later.

However, Lee's intentions were revealed almost straight away as he sniggered and forced something into Thomas' hands.

"Thought that you might be needing this!" he hissed cruelly, and Thomas glanced down in bewilderment at the object that he'd just been forcefully presented with.

It took Thomas a moment to register what exactly he was holding, but when his mind finally caught up with what his eyes were seeing, Thomas felt his stomach drop horribly and his face went blank with shock.

Lee had given him a simple piece of paper, but under closer inspection Thomas saw that it was in fact a leaflet with the bold and shining words 'Weight Watchers' printed cheerfully on the front. The brochure stated strongly how the 'Weight Watchers' programme and suggested diet would help anyone who wished to lose weight achieve their ideal body goal, and Thomas felt flaming panic begin to spark through his veins.

All of a sudden, Thomas was suddenly aware once again of every single ounce of fat clinging to his body. He felt impossibly heavy. The Virginian's hands began to shake as he crumpled the leaflet in his quivering palms, and all Thomas could hear besides the thumping of his accelerated heart rate were the sounds of Lee laughing along with his friends as the group watched Thomas examine the leaflet.

Before Thomas could even attempt to utter an intelligible response, Lee continued his attack; he began an awful attempt at mocking the Virginian’s strong southern accent, and placed his hands on his hips to imitate Thomas' usually confident body language.

"Howdy y’all! My name is Thomas Jefferson, and recently my ass has become just as large as my mouth!" Lee mocked loudly, which caused his friends to howl with laughter and made Thomas freeze on the spot, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end with growing anguish. He wanted nothing more than to leave the room but for some reason he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. All he could do was stand his ground and listen as Lee continued.

"It's a miracle! Now, I know y’all must be super jealous of my luscious curves! However, after much thought, I've decided to join my local 'Weight Watchers' so I can stop being such a fatass!" 

That was it; the dam broke and Thomas felt uncontrollable moisture build up behind his eyelids, threatened to overflow. He felt helpless, utterly humiliated and even slightly faint as blood rushed to his head and the flow became deafening in his ears. His feet suddenly began functioning again and Thomas was sprinting as fast as he could from the canteen. He could still hear Lee’s terrible southern accent and the accompanying cruel laughter as he fled from the canteen, any hope for queueing up for lunch being abandoned along with the remanents of Thomas’ self-esteem.

Lee’s words still rang wildly inside his mind as Thomas choked on a sob due to his sudden realisation; 

Everyone had noticed his weight gain.

Everyone was joking about his weight gain.

His weight gain wasn’t just in his fucking head; it was real.

Everyone knew that he was fat.

-

The rest of Thomas' lunch break was spent locked in his office, the man's trembling never ceasing as he paced back and forth around the room. The mere thought of eating anything was removed from Thomas' mind as he attempted to calm himself down, prevent the never-ending tears from rolling down his cheeks and muffle his sobs to prevent there being any chance of his collegues from overhearing his distress.

He tried reading many of his books, practiced his cabinet meeting speech and even lay down on the couch to try and take a nap. Yet, nothing seemed to help end the overflow of emotions that consumed the Virginian's mind, and Lee's mockery replayed over and over again like a film in his head.

In an incredibly short amount of time, Thomas realised with a jolt that if he didn’t get a move on, he’d be late to the cabinet meeting. The man began frantically collecting his speech papers from his desk before examining his shaking appearance in the mirror.

Fuck, he looked like absolute shit. His hair was an unruly mess due to the number of times Thomas had run his hands through his curls, and his eyes appeared red and puffy from his crying.

Fuck it, he’d have to go to the meeting looking like this. He couldn’t miss the presentation no matter how badly he wanted to, so Thomas frantically scrubbed at his face with cold water before smoothing down his ruffled suit, taking a deep breath, and hurrying out of the office.

Dear God, please let this meeting be over as soon as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some general story notes that i haven’t mentioned before that are kinda relevant:
> 
> -All characters (apart from Washington) are in their early to mid twenties. 
> 
> -There's no slash in the story, but Alex and Eliza did have Philip together in a past relationship; they never married, split up on good terms and they're close friends!
> 
> -Alex isn’t supposed to be the villain; yes, he's a douche who says some mean shit and he needs to Stop, but he’s mainly doing it because Thomas is his No.1 rival so the hatred is very strong atm and Alex is oblivious to how deeply he’s hurting Thomas etc etc, but he DOES have a moral conscience (unlike some other characters) and he’ll end up having a redemption, but it’s more that Alex’s actions of ignorance catalyse the angst to begin.
> 
> -i'm actually British so I'M REALLY SORRY if i mess up anything. Ofc this story isn't historically accurate, but the only knowledge that i have about the Founding Fathers (and everything else in the show) is from being part of the Hamilton fandom, so there may be inaccuracies and, if so, i apologise lmao
> 
> hope you enjoyed the chapter and thanks so much for reading xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander observes Jefferson during a cabinet meeting and begins to realise how his rival might not be so heartless after all.

“Where is Secretary Jefferson?” Washington’s inquiring voice boomed out across the meeting room louder than the rest of the cabinet’s chatter.

Alexander looked up before glancing around the room. The afternoon cabinet meeting was scheduled to begin in a couple of minutes time, and the meeting room was naturally packed with cabinet members and work peers. A loud buzz of conversation inhabited the room and it would appear that the majority of the cabinet were prepared for the meeting to start.

However, Alexander’s gaze drifted across the room to spot the only two seats that proclaimed emptiness in the crowded room. Said seats were usually occupied by two annoyingly familiar Virginians and, seeing as Madison was unwell today, that left everyone to question the whereabouts of Jefferson. 

Alex sighed as he shuffled uncomfortably in his seat and felt the growing strength of frustration as he scowled towards the empty seat; while Alexander told himself that he’d rather hope that the chair remained empty instead of inhabiting the smirking Virginian, Thomas Jefferson was unfortunately scheduled to present whatever bullshit he’d written in a speech that would begin the cabinet meeting’s discussion. Therefore, Washington couldn’t allow the meeting to start until Jefferson sat his fatass down in his chair. The usually prompt man surprisingly appeared to be late, and Alexander sighed again as his limited amount of patience began to slip.

“Asshole probably planned on being fashionably late in order to impress everyone” Alex murmured to John, and his best friend nodded his head in agreement.

“Bet you any moment now he’ll saunter in with his hips swaying and expect applause or something” John added, his forehead also beginning to crease in irritation; the cabinet meeting room was especially hot today and neither man wished to remain sweating in the stifling heat for an extended period of time.

The pair continued to discuss their shared annoyance at the absent Virginian until they naturally fell into silence due to the oppressive heat making it too difficult to maintain a quality conversation.

A few more minutes came and passed with no Jefferson in sight, and Alexander almost felt like marching out of the room and straight to the Virginian’s office to confront and drag the man into the meeting himself. However, just as Alexander’s frustration began to get the better of him, Washington got to his feet and the room’s noise of conversation died down in expectation.

Alex saw the President check the time on his watch (the meeting should have begun almost five minutes ago), before the man glanced once more towards Jefferson’s empty seat and started speaking. It was unusual for the Virginian to refrain from being on time to meetings, especially when the man was scheduled to present a speech, but cabinet assemblies always run on a tight schedule; there was no more time available to waste waiting for the Secretary of State to arrive.

”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to—“ Washington began, the whole room’s attention captured by the man’s opening words and relieved that the assembly finally had begun.

However, Washington’s introduction was cut off by the loud ‘BANG’ of the meeting door being swung forcefully open. Washington stopped speaking abruptly and all heads turned in time to witness the flustered mess of Thomas Jefferson burst through the cabinet meeting room’s doors.

In his mind, Alexander had imagined that when Jefferson finally showed up, the man would elegantly saunter into the room to soak in all the attention his late arrival would attract. He’d expected Jefferson to lazily swagger into his seat with the infuriating air of confidence, and Alex predicted that the arrogant man wouldn’t even bother apologising for his lateness.

Alexander’s predictions couldn’t have been more wrong. The real Thomas Jefferson who stood catching his breath in the doorway looked anything but composed. The man’s body language was hunched with embarrassment, as if Jefferson wished for nobody to spot him entering. The sight almost looked funny, seeing as Jefferson’s height almost reached 6ft and therefore eliminated any hope of the man being unseen. Jefferson clutched a large amount of paper tightly in his hands, (which Alexander assumed to be the man’s speech) and wore an expression of extreme discomfort.

The longer Alexander stared at his usually self-possessed rival, the more he noticed how out of place Jefferson’s appearance currently was. The man’s usually immaculate hair currently stood upwards at awkwardly odd angles, and it looked as if Jefferson had attempted to flatten his curls down but clearly had failed. His shining blue suit, which normally would have been ironed and pressed to perfection, appeared crumpled upon the man shuffling awkwardly in the doorway. The Virginian was also breathing unevenly with slightly puffy eyes downcast and staring at his shoes, and Alex felt the strangest emotion that could almost be pity as he observed the taller man’s discomfort.

He’d begun to notice recently over the past week that this new unorganised and uncomfortable version of Jefferson had been appearing more and more in different situations, and the sight was beginning to make Alexander wish for the old confident and composed Jefferson to return in all his glory.

A second later, Alex blinked and shook his head slightly; he had no reason to feel sorry for his rival when Jefferson was literally the reason for the meeting being delayed. Asshole.

All eyes remained trained on Thomas Jefferson as said man cleared his throat awkwardly before murmuring a quiet apology to Washington, who simply sighed tiredly before gesturing for the man to take his seat without demanding an explanation for the Virginian’s lateness; the President probably didn’t wish for any more time to be wasted.

Jefferson then proceeded to walk briskly towards his seat with his head down, the man’s expression seeming to beg for him to be ignored. Members of the cabinet began murmuring to each other, a few peers even sniggering as the Virginian took his seat and began shuffling through his speech papers clumsily with uneasy hands.

It was clear that Thomas Jefferson’s usual self-assured composure (that many have declared to be arrogance) had been completely abandoned today; the man looked nothing short of a mess. Alexander frowned as he thought back to lunch when he’d spotted Jefferson in the queue for food. The man had appeared to be uncomfortable then, but nothing like this. Jefferson looked like he’d just arrived from experiencing something nasty judging from his personal disarray, and Alexander wondered with slight concern as to what had happened to the man over lunch. 

“Secretary Jefferson” Washington addressed, and the man snapped his head quickly up from his speech papers.

”As I’m sure you’re aware, you will be presenting your speech containing your futures proposals first” the President continued, gesturing warmly for the man to begin.

Jefferson nodded and hastily finished organising his notes before making his way uncomfortably into the cabinet room’s centre. All eyes gazed down upon him and Alexander spotted how Jefferson seemed....nervous. The man’s hands were shaking slightly as he held his speech papers, and the Virginian made sure to take a deep breath before beginning. His eyes remained firmly trained upon his script as he spoke, his gaze refusing to waver from the writing on the pages.

Usually, the Virginian would positively be making eye contact with almost everyone in the room, owning the space rather than being compressed by it. His behaviour was so strange and unlike himself that Alex frowned in confusion. 

”As y...you are all aware, there are many c...concerns that I’ve been proclaiming to y...you all over the past few w...weeks that I wish to discuss” Jefferson began, and Alex cringed with alarmed sympathy when the man’s drawl was accompanied by uneven stuttering.

Whispering instantly broke out among the audience; nobody had ever heard the mighty Virginian stammer or even falter when presenting in a cabinet meeting, and even Washington raised his eyebrows at the man’s suddenly reduced quality of speech.

Jefferson paused his speech to clear his throat and briefly closed his eyes in an attempt to compose himself before continuing. A glimmer of what seemed to be embarrassment and even self-hatred flitted across the man’s face, and the expression caused any fiery criticising thought that Alexander had planned on attacking him with to dissipate.

”W...what I would like to d...discuss first on the a...agenda is...” Jefferson continued, and his stuttering only seemed to increase with the cabinet’s whispering. The man continued speaking out towards the cabinet members, but Jefferson’s unexpected lack of confidence and composure seemed to be the only thing holding the audience’s attention.

Looking around at his peers, Alex noticed how clear it was that hardly anyone present was actually listening to the content of Jefferson’s speech (an incredibly rare occurrence), and the immigrant felt yet another stab of foreign pity for the Virginian. Alex would usually have smirked at the scene unfolding before him (he normally cherished any and every moment when his rival was disadvantaged) but watching the man now, Alexander just felt....empty? pitiful?

He didn’t know what to think, but he strangely wasn’t feeling any satisfaction right now when observing Jefferson shake and stumble over his words.

It seemed that Alex been affected by Angelica’s strong words when she’d criticised Alex’s teasing and mockery towards Jefferson more than he’d realised...her criticisms seemed to have managed to awaken at least part of his moral conscience when it came to the Virginian he despised. 

Over lunch, Angelica and Peggy had learned more about how Alexander had been ‘lightly teasing’ Jefferson on the topic of his weight, and the older Schuyler sister had only grown more and more angry with Alexander the more he’d tried to defend and justify his actions.

Alex wanted to scoff at her accusations as he remembered how furious Angelica had gotten with him.

”He’s a PERSON, Alexander! How would you feel if you were in his position? No matter what you think of him, nobody deserves to be mocked about their appearance, and I can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to shame someone about their weight!”

Alex tried to assure himself that Jefferson’s skin was extremely thick; the man couldn’t possibly be affected by his harsh words, and it was more than likely that the Virginian has simply ignored Alex’s teasing of the man’s weight.

But...when Alex really thought about it, Jefferson had been acting strangely when Alex had made any sort of joke towards him recently. But what exactly was affecting him? His pride? His weight being targeted? His overall appearance being mocked?

Alex and Jefferson were always mocking each other, so how and why was this time any different?

Alexander put himself in Jefferson’s shoes for a moment. He pictured walking into work and Jefferson taunting him about his weight, or another aspect of his appearance.

’I wouldn’t care! I’d know that everything that came out of his mouth was bullshit!’ Alex assured himself. 

But then, Alex imagined Jefferson taunting him about his appearance everyday when he walked into work.

Imagined Jefferson mocking his appearance every time he saw him, in corridors and publicly in front of other people.

Every single day.

Alexander suddenly found it a lot harder to convince himself that he wouldn’t be so bothered by the taunting, if said mockery happened so often.

He felt the weight of realisation and subsequent guilt beginning to brew deeply inside his stomach that was only strengthened as he observed Jefferson now. 

More of Angelica’s words came back to him at that moment.

”You don’t know him that well, Alexander”

Maybe she was right. The man in front of him didn’t seem to be the unfeeling monster that Alexander had always accused him of being, and Alex could see that the cabinet’s chatter and disruption was affecting Jefferson negatively. 

A few people observing the Virginian were glancing at each other with concern and confusion, and Washington seemed to be just as surprised by Jefferson’s display as everyone else, but the majority of the cabinet were now sniggering with smirking faces.

Alex had failed to notice it before, but it had just become painfully obvious that Thomas Jefferson didn’t have many friends. Alexander knew that if he himself were ever struggling to present a speech, one of his friends would definitely interject and come to his aid, but nobody came to rescue Jefferson. The man was left to struggle through his words accompanied by nobody except embarrassment and humiliation. 

Suddenly, Jefferson was interrupted by a cabinet member who called out loudly

“Sit down already, Jeffershit!”

All at once, as if some invisible and previously restrained tension unexpectedly decided to break, the room exploded into noise. More people began shouting at Jefferson, and Alex noticed how the onslaught of sound caused the Virginian to flinch slightly before the man lowered his head once more.

Guilt coiled tightly around Alexander’s gut; he was the one who’d originally started calling his rival by the nickname ‘Jeffershit’, but he hadn’t realised until now how other cabinet members appeared to use the nickname to taunt Jefferson too.

Despite Washington’s attempts to enforce silence, the noise remained strong and made it impossible for Jefferson to even attempt to continue presenting his speech. The man stood awkwardly and uncomfortably in the centre of the room, and Alex was astonished when Jefferson didn’t make a single retaliation towards anyone; he just stood there, frozen and took all the verbal abuse.

This was not the Thomas Jefferson that Alexander battled with on a daily basis. Alex almost wanted to scream at the man to fight back, or yell at his peers to shut the hell up. He didn’t know why, but he felt the sudden urge to come to the man’s rescue.

However, just as Alexander was contemplating whether or not to stand up and become Jefferson’s defence, Washington got to his feet. Anger was written all over the older man’s features, and the furious glare he shot towards the entire cabinet was enough to subdue the laughing members into silence.

”Disgraceful behaviour! When a member of our cabinet is speaking, respect is to be shown at all times” Washington looked extremely angry as he surveyed the cabinet, before his gaze softened as he turned towards Jefferson.

“Secretary Jefferson, feel free to continue what you were saying” Washington said, but, after a pause, Jefferson shook his head.

“That’s alright, Sir. I’ve said everything that I needed to” Jefferson murmured before making his way back towards his seat, gaze lowered to avoid the look of concern Washington directed towards him.

However, just as Jefferson reached his seat and turned round, the distinct voice of Charles Lee was heard as the man audibly hissed “Nice arse, Jeffershit!”, causing many cabinet members who’d heard the catcall to laugh harshly.

Jefferson currently had his back facing Alexander, but nobody could have missed the way the Virginian’s shoulders visibly tensed.

There it was again; there was no doubt now that the topic of Jefferson’s weight and/or appearance had a clear impact on the man. Alexander frowned in concentration as he attempted to understand his rival.

Washington, who miraculously didn’t seem to have heard what Lee’s exact words were, turned back around at the burst of laughter and silence descended once more upon the room.

Jefferson’s head remained lowered as he took his seat, and the man refrained from making eye contact with anyone throughout the rest of the meeting. The empty chair next to him had Alexander wishing for the first time that James Madison hadn’t been sick today; if there was anyone who could cheer the Virginian up, it would be the other Southerner.

The moment the meeting finished and Washington dismissed everyone, Jefferson was out of his seat and heading from the room before Alexander had even stood up. The expression of unhappiness that Alex caught a glimpse of displayed upon the man’s facial features made the immigrant’s chest clench tightly.

Alexander was starting to think that maybe Jefferson wasn’t so heartless and unfeeling as he’d originally assumed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope it guys enjoyed this chapter, hopefully i’ll be able to update soon, thanks again for reading :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things only got worse for the Virginian, and everyone present in the meetings could clearly see it happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: “i’ll try to update regularly!” 
> 
> also me: *takes a month to update*
> 
> umm..yeah sorry about that. All I can say is that college and life shit happened. I’m not going to leave this story unfinished, but it may take me longer than i’d originally hoped to complete lmao

Over the next couple of weeks, many more cabinet meetings were held, but not a single meeting improved for Thomas Jefferson. If anything, things only got worse for the Virginian and everyone present in the meetings could clearly see it happening. 

Whenever Washington asked Thomas to present more speeches containing his thoughts and suggestions, the younger man would always dutifully oblige to the President’s wishes without hesitation. Thomas would work tirelessly writing until he would be satisfied that his speeches were written to the best of his ability, ignoring how his hands would ache painfully with strain and exhaustion, and he would never fail to bring his speeches to present at the meetings when asked.

However, this would be where things would start to go wrong. Thomas would find himself stuck in a similar situation; he wouldn’t be able to tear his eyes away from the words written on his page to face his audience, or even manage to read his speech without his dialogue faltering and stuttering ridiculously. Self-hatred continued to murder his already low levels of self-esteem and made it practically impossible for the Virginian to successfully present his proposals.

Thomas mentally kicked himself every time it happened, and figured that it was probably due to some kind of anxiety he was experiencing; he was very nervous and restless nowadays, and never could seem to focus his mind away from the dark thoughts of disgust he experienced regarding his appearance, or the judgement he knew he was receiving from his peers during the meetings as the cabinet witnessed his agitated state over and over again.

Things went from bad to worse when the amount of catcalling comments and outcries increased by the third cabinet meeting where Thomas continued to stutter and lacked a confident state. All the laughter, sniggering and name-calling made Thomas want to disappear and never have to speak publicly ever again, but whenever a weight related joke was uttered, his mind seemed to shut down completely with despair. No matter who said it or what exactly was shouted, all his mind could process throughout the rest of the day would be the reminder that he was fat, and therefore that he looked disgusting.

He was trapped in a repetitive, torturous cycle of pain that only made everything he was battling mentally against ten times worse. As the days went on, Thomas felt the remanents of his old, confident composure become buried further and further under layers of anguish.

Thomas wondered why Washington continued to request that he write and present speeches, seeing as it was obvious that his presentations would not be successfully performed, no matter how many hours said speeches had taken him to write and practice alone in his office. Washington always attempted to silence the cabinet when the humiliation began, the President being utterly furious with the catcalling and disrespect that his Secretary of State was presented with, but the man was sadly unable to stop Thomas’ peers from commenting outside of the meetings.

However, the various enemies that Thomas had managed to create in the cabinet over he last few years clearly saw the Virginian’s disarray as a wonderful opportunity for revenge. Thomas Jefferson was usually one to challenge carefully, seeing as the man’s intelligence and glorious fluency in comebacks was often lethal to his opponents in arguments. Yet, now that the man seemed to have lost all his confidence and usual aura of superiority, more and more people were willing to cross the Virginian.

Some would make sure that Thomas saw them laughing at him, or whisper behind his back as he passed them in corridors.

Others who were bolder in their attacks would call out loudly to disrupt the man’s barely held together speeches, or deliberately knock into Thomas when the Virginian happened to be carrying stacks of paper or coffee cups, causing Thomas to jump and spill everything he was holding to the floor.

Thomas knew that the longer he failed to pull himself together and fix the mess that he felt himself falling helplessly further into, the more confident his enemies would grow in their actions against him. Thomas didn’t intimidate anyone anymore, so, naturally, his haters (often those who’d been humiliated by losing against the Virginian via having ideas shut down brutally in a past cabinet meeting by said man) would only repay Thomas with the favour of being shamed.

He was a mess.

Maybe Washington was only keeping him around because he felt sorry for him.

‘Or perhaps he’s just deciding on the right time to fire me’ Thomas thought, and shuddered with dread.

He never really talked about it, but being Secretary of State meant everything to Thomas. The thought of losing the job that he (normally) loved and cared about so much only made him feel more anxious as he imagined how disappointed Washington was increasingly becoming after every failed cabinet meeting. Thomas assumed that it would only be a matter of time before he was restricted from speaking during the meetings, and only hoped that he wouldn’t lose his job too. 

However, one person who certainly wasn’t going to let Thomas lose his job was James Madison. Ever since James had witnessed Thomas discomposure during cabinet meetings, the shorter Virginian had made it his mission to stand by Thomas’ side and challenge anyone who targeted his best friend. James would shout back his own insults at whoever decided to catcall Thomas and glared daggers at every person laughing when Thomas stuttered or faltered when speaking.

Thomas was grateful for the continuous support, but, unfortunately, his best friend’s fiery attempts at defending him failed to prevent the verbal abuse from ceasing, and Thomas didn’t have the confidence to fight back whenever he was targeted when James wasn’t present. The onslaught of taunting and jeering continued to increase (in both frequency and volume) and Thomas’ self-esteem sunk lower and lower after every passing day. 

‘Fucking pathetic’ his mind hissed at him when Thomas’ trembling hands crumpled the papers he was desperately trying to hold still and read from.

‘Useless’ when Thomas could barely get a word out without being interrupted by his nervous stammer, or by sharp laughter from the audience. 

‘Worthless’ when Thomas felt countless pairs of eyes staring jarringly into the back of his neck as he took his seat after failing to present yet another presentation.

‘Disgusting’ when Thomas sat down and felt his thighs slam together, only to look down and see the layers of fat straining against the material of his trousers.

The Virginian knew by now that he was falling into the ruthless trap of being weight-obsessed, a trap that he’d worked incredibly hard in the past to overcome, but there was nothing he could do to stop himself. He longed to prevent his extreme levels of self-hatred from being overpowering, but every comment, every glance in the mirror and every item of clothing he forced himself to wear only helped the pain to increase.

-

It wasn’t surprising that Thomas’ weight-obsessed mindset and increasing levels of self-hatred caused the Virginian to change aspects of his lifestyle. All the humiliation he’d received during the cabinet meetings had resulted in Thomas being significantly quieter outside of the assemblies, partly due to the man’s wish to be ignored, but mainly due to Thomas’ mind convincing him that nothing he had to say would matter.

The Virginian even began talk less with James out of habit, and this reduction of communication between the pair only made the shorter Virginian more concerned for his best friend.

Thomas also began to ensure that his wardrobe choices were preferably subdued in colour. The man chose to wear more suits that were shades of grey and darker tones to work, leaving behind his usual iconic and colourful outfits in the back of his closet. Thomas theorised that there would be a possibility that less people would notice him if he didn’t wear the vibrant attires, and subsequently forced himself into wearing lifeless clothes that he wouldn’t have been seen dead in a month ago. 

Yet, the main change that Thomas forced himself to commit to was his restricted diet. Thomas had been down this dark and dangerous road before, and knew that he had to eat something in order to make it through the day. This knowledge didn’t stop him from reducing his calorie intake extremely.

He would skip breakfast and often lunch (depending on how the morning at work had gone), or only allow himself to eat a very small portion of something healthy. Dinner would often only be a slice of toast or some fruit, and Thomas inhaled beverages such as coffee, tea and water as if they were oxygen.

His stomach spent the day screaming at him to consume something, but Thomas grit his teeth and ignored the emptiness that his body longed to fill with food. He hated the sick, hollow presence of nothing being in his stomach, but couldn’t stand eating much to remove the feeling due to his mind automatically counting up the calories and hissing at him for being weak every time he swallowed a bite. 

All it took was a single day for things to escalate.

Three weeks after Thomas’ first failed cabinet meeting, said man dragged himself into work on a gloomy Monday morning looking exhausted. Thomas hadn’t been sleeping well and had no energy to reawaken his body due to his low calorie intake. Over the weekend he’d attempted to go to the gym to exercise, but only managed to do a pitifully short workout due to immense tiredness, which was automatically seen as a failure to Thomas as his mind criticised him for being weak and pathetic. Thomas had made plans to visit the gym Monday evening in order to make up for the loss, no matter how tired he’d be after suffering through a day of work. 

Presently, Thomas entered the common room with his gaze down to avoid making eye contact with anyone, and didn’t even glance up to see if James was waiting for him. The Virginian began pouring himself a cup of coffee as quickly as possible before hurrying in the direction of his office, eyes remaining glued to the cup of boiling liquid that would hopefully keep him awake and give him enough strength to make it though the day.

A sigh of relief was audible when Thomas unlocked his office and sat down at his desk to prepare papers that needed approving and filing. However, just as Thomas was about to begin working, he heard the distinctly loud chattering of a couple of co-workers outside his office door. This wasn’t an unusual occurrence, seeing as the location of Thomas’ office was in a prime spot for activity in the building, and the Virginian tried to ignore the talking and continued working.

Unfortunately, the pair of girls outside seemed to be standing near enough to his office that their voices entered under Thomas’ door and automatically reached his ears.

”...and it’s so disappointing that his muscles have gone! I mean, did you ever see his six pack?” one loud female voice spoke avidly, and another voice joined the first as Thomas tried to focus on his work. He didn’t recognise the voices and assumed the girls to be interns or new staff members, or maybe simply people he didn’t know. 

”Sadly not in person, but it was so obvious that he used to be ripped!”

Both girls giggled loudly and Thomas sighed. Could their voices get any louder? He had no wish to eavesdrop on the gossiping about some dude, and almost felt like getting up and asking them to be quiet. However, before he could decide exactly what to do, Thomas froze at the sound of his name being mentioned.

”Why did Thomas Jefferson, aka the the most attractive guy working here, have to gain weight like that? Like, seriously? I’m never going to get over that tragedy. He’s literally downgraded himself!”

Shock punched Thomas across the face as he realised that the girls were in fact talking about him, before his stomach plummeted with self-loathing as his mind processed what exactly he’d heard. After a moment, he lowered his gaze down to his desk and began silently praying that the coworkers continued walking away from his door so he could block out their comments.

A slight ringing began in his ears, accompanied by the woman’s careless words, and he felt his lips beginning to quiver with the effort of trying not to cry.

They thought he’d downgraded himself. He was too stupid to even have realised it was happening. They’d obviously noticed his weight gain, everyone had. Why the fuck had he ever allowed himself to get this ugly? He was worthless. Disgusting. Stupid. Pointless.

’Please God, make it stop’ Thomas thought over and over again as he closed his eyes tightly shut.

Both girls seemed content with continuing to chatter outside Thomas’ door, and said man grit his teeth in an attempt to distract himself from their words.

”Honestly though, do you think someone should say something to him about it? I mean, does he even realise how much he’s...gained?”

”Good idea; it would be a public service trying to fix that mistake. Oh and also, have you noticed how weird he’s been acting lately? He doesn’t speak anymore, like at all. What the fuck is wrong with him?”

”I don’t know...it is a bit odd. I mean, I didn’t particuarly care about what he used to say, but it’s super weird now that he says nothing. He’s being kind of rude to be honest, especially when I’ve seen people try to talk to him; he just stares at the floor and leaves like an asshole”

”Well, everyone calls him ‘Jeffershit’, so obviously he must be a pretty horrible person to have acquired a nickname like that!”

”So, if he asked you out on a date, you’d say no?”

”Maybe if he was still hot I’d give him a go. But now? No thanks!”

”Oh my god, imagine sleeping with him now! It would be like riding an extra large trampoline!”

That was it. Thomas couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get out and away from the words before his mind broke beyond repair. Before he knew what he was doing, his thoughts only focusing on how to flee from the scene, he was wiping the rolling tears from his cheeks and flinging open his office door.

The Virginian caught a brief glimpse of the horrified expressions on both girls’ faces before he was practically sprinting from his office without even closing the door properly or looking back.

He had no idea where he was going, and only wished to escape all this pain. But that was never going to happen, was it? He was the disgusting one, the very thing that was causing him to suffer.

Suddenly, Thomas felt his chest collide forcefully with another’s, and both figures stumbled backwards with simultaneous gasps of pain. Thomas fought back a yelp as his rib cage exploded in a fiery, painful heat, and moisture sprung up once again in his irises as he took breaths in an attempt to compose himself.

As the Virginian’s vision swam back into focus, Thomas spotted the other man in front of him, and felt sick when he realised who exactly he’d run into. The shorter physique, emerald green suit, brown locks and scowling expression could only fit the description of one person.

”Jesus Christ! Watch where you’re going, asshole!” Alexander breathed sharply as he composed himself, and Thomas instantly felt even more self-hatred at the sight of the shorter man rubbing his side. Guilt squeezed his lungs tightly and oh god, he’d literally charged into Hamilton and actually physically HURT him. How STUPID was he? Fucking idiot, not looking where he was going. He deserved to be called ‘Jeffershit’. 

Hamilton finally straightened up and glared into Thomas’ face, and the taller man began to stutter out an unplanned and unexpected apology.

”I...I..m so s..sorry...d..didn’t..mean...a..accident..stupid..m’so s..sorry” Thomas murmured in a rush, and Alexander’s eyes widened almost comically at this foreign reaction from his rival. It was only then that Hamilton truly began to observe Thomas and noticed the scarlet puffiness surrounding the man’s irises and the frozen tear tracks on Jefferson’s cheeks.

Stunned, Alex opened his mouth to reply, but Thomas had already walked briskly away. The tension of the situation, confusion from Alexander and pain from Thomas lingered behind in the corridor as Alex watched his usually aggressively pompous rival retreat.

The new feeling of guilt that caused his chest to tighten only made Alexander’s mind attempt to assure himself that Jefferson was fine and his usual arrogance self remained. Yet, he knew in his gut that Thomas Jefferson was in fact not alright after he’d caught a glimpse of the man’s pained expression, and at that moment Alex made the unexplainable but automatic decision to try and help the man he normally despised from now on, in any way he could.

He needed the old Jefferson back, and felt the sudden urge of compassionate sympathy towards the man he’d happily have destroyed less than a month ago. Jefferson needed to return to his normal self, and Alex was surprisingly determined to make that happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this was alright, so sorry it’s taken me this long to update smh. this chapter was supposed to be longer but i wanted to update asap and will try my hardest to post more regularly. also fyi, keep an eye on the tags as they’ll be continuously changing, and thanks again for reading xx


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James attempts to assist Thomas with a cabinet speech, but things don’t go exactly to plan...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I’M VERY VERY SORRY FOR THE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT THIS HAS TAKEN TO PUBLISH BUT HOPE YOU LIKE THIS CHAPTER
> 
> also TRIGGER WARNING: some self-harm is described briefly in this chapter. I’m never going to write about infliction, but it is mentioned so please please be aware and do not read if you’re triggered by any of these topics.

The following day, James Madison approached Thomas Jefferson’s office with cautioned footsteps and a crease of concern in his brow. The shorter Virginian had clearly noticed how his best friend had been communicating less and less with him over the past week, and James hadn’t seen Thomas properly for two days straight.

The taller Virginian seemed to be avoiding James for some reason, and the man’s levels of concern were only spiking at this new enforcement of isolation that Thomas was starting to lock himself into.

James knew these antisocial actions had to be due to Thomas’ toxic mindset and the harrowing emotions he was currently being subjected to, but there was no way for James to help his best friend if said man continued to avoid him.

James was currently heading towards Thomas’ office in order to walk with him to the morning’s cabinet meeting that was scheduled to start soon. Thomas had been tasked by Washington yet again to present another speech due to his status as the Secretary of State, and James suspected that he’d find his companion hunched over his desk scribbling down his script at one hundred miles an hour.

However, when James cautiously opened Thomas’ office door after knocking tentatively, the sight that met his eyes was an unexpected one and made the shorter man pause in the doorway.

Instead of avidly writing, Thomas Jefferson was simply sitting quietly and staring blankly at his desk. The man’s exhausted pupils glanced upwards to acknowledge James’ presence, but that terrifyingly emotionless expression that was plastered over his facial features made James’ stomach clench with worry.

”Hey” James greeted quietly, before stepping into the office and approaching his best friend slowly.

“Hey” Thomas echoed, managing to give James a small smile, but the happiness was clearly forced as the smile didn’t manage to enlighten the man’s empty eyes.

“You read to go?” James asked lightly, but these simple words seemed to have a significant effect on the other man. In an instant, something in Thomas seemed to break; his face flooded with what appeared to be dread, and the Virginian lowered his eyes from James to stare at his half-written speech on his desk.

Thomas seemed to have been completely unaware of the late time, and James instantly regretted his words before hurrying over to him, immediately placing a comforting hand on Thomas’ slightly trembling ones. Thomas refused to meet his eyes, but accepted the gesture of support by allowing James to hold his palms.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” James asked quietly, his thumbs tracing small circles on the back of Thomas’ hands. It took a moment for the other man to answer, but after a couple of deep breaths Thomas replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

”I can’t do it, Jemmy” 

James felt his heart painfully clench again, and pressed for his best friend to explain his distress to him in further detail.

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t do them. The speeches. I just...can’t...do them anymore” the taller Virginian stuttered with hitching breaths before continuing.

“I can write them fine, but....I just...can’t...present anymore. People won’t stop...laughing at me and I.... can’t get the right words out and...it’s my job and...and...I try SO HARD, Jemmy, but...but...I just CAN’T...and, and....” Thomas murmured, keeping his head down as he tried to explain the situation he found himself trapped in. James felt a stab of horror in his chest at the sight of fresh tears rolling down Thomas’ nose that splattered onto the man’s speech papers. He clutched his best friend’s hands in a tighter grip.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, shhh” James tried to comfort Thomas and the two embraced, James noticing how the other man’s form was trembling slightly.

After a moment, James broke off their physical contact in order to make eye contact with Thomas, with said man wiping away his tears with the cuff of his shirt before meeting his best friend’s comforting gaze. His eyes were exhausted and filled with sadness that James longed to remove.

”Would you like me to tell Washington that you’re not up to presenting today?” James asked quietly after a moment of hesitation, but as soon as he’d asked the question, Thomas was shaking his head.

”The Secretary of State can’t just let people down like that. I have to be there, especially seeing as Washington’s asked me to present my most recent proposals” the taller Virginian explained in a low voice, his hands still trembling ever so slightly.

James frowned once more as his mind pondered over solutions to this situation. Thomas was clearly in no state to present anything today, and the meeting was scheduled to commence in fifteen minutes time. Was there anything he could do to help?

All of a sudden, an idea popped into the shorter man’s head and James wondered why he hadn’t thought of such an idea earlier.

”What if I present your proposals for you?”

There was a pause as Thomas’ mind processed this new potential solution.

”What...what do you mean?”

”I mean, what if you give me your script of ideas that you’ve written, and I stand up and present them to the cabinet?” James explained, his mind already agreeing that this was a plan that could work. Thomas wouldn’t have to suffer through the usual laughter and embarrassment, and his ideas would still be heard and evaluated by the cabinet. This could work!

The taller Virginian was quiet for a moment as he processed James’ words while wiping away his final tears slowly. After a moment, Thomas replied quietly

”Do you think that would work?”

”I’ll speak with Washington before the meeting, but I’m sure that he wouldn’t have a problem with it” James reassured him, already picking up Thomas’ speech notes to skim read.

”But...but James..I...I..” Thomas began, before taking a deep breath to allow him to compose his words.

”You..you don’t have to do this for me. I don’t want to put that pressure on you. I’d probably be alright presenting anyway, you don’t need to worry-“ Thomas began, but James held up his hand to silence his best friend.

”Thomas, I don’t mind presenting for you. It’s honestly no problem. But you definitely aren’t in the right state to present anything right now” James spoke softly, giving a small but reassuring smile before standing up.

After a moment, Thomas also stood up slowly and the pair began walking towards the cabinet meeting, Thomas trying to explain exactly what he’d written to James, and James reassuring his best friend that everything was going to be fine.

They entered the cabinet meeting side by side, and were met with the usual buzz of conversation eminating from their fellow cabinet members; everyone was in the process of finding their seats in preparation for the upcoming cabinet meeting.

However, instead of sitting down, James immediately strolled towards the President’s desk, and Thomas anxiously stood slightly behind James as the man addressed Washington.

”Mr President” James spoke, causing Washington to look up for his papers. Thomas’ heart instantly sunk as he immediately picked up on Washington’s annoyance; the President was scowling tiredly, his jaw clenched with a mixture of tiredness and frustration. It was unusual for the President to be in a bad mood, but clearly Washington wasn’t having a good day, and Thomas knew he was just about to make it worse.

”Madison?” Washington asked tiredly, raising his eyebrows at the Virginians standing before him.

”Sir, I am going to be presenting Thomas’ speech today as he isn’t...feeling up to it. I hope that is alright with you?” James explained, but Thomas cringed internally at the way James had worded his state of mind; not ‘feeling up to it’ automatically insinuated that Thomas arrogantly couldn’t be bothered to present the speech himself.

Sure enough, Washington glanced at Thomas and frowned.

”Jefferson, why can’t you present?” he asked lowly, and Thomas pitifully began trying to explain himself while tumbling over his words.

”I’m...um...I..I’m...” Thomas began stuttering, but thankfully James came to his rescue after a moment.

”Sir, Thomas has been feeling very nauseous all day and is worried that he’s not going to be able to present because of it” James said quickly, and Thomas nodded in confirmation of this lie.

Washington sighed and rubbed a hand over his face before agreeing to James’ proposal and ordering the pair to sit down. Thomas shot James a grateful smile as they took their seats, before his gaze connected with the eyes of Alexander Hamilton. The man was watching the pair from across the room with what seemed like confusion; he must have observed their conversation with Washington.

When Alexander noticed Thomas watching him, he didn’t smirk, glare or show any of the usual aggression that he saved especially for the Virginian.

Instead, Alex continued to wear an expression of confusion (and even....concern?) as he stared back at Thomas, as if to ask “What’s up?”

Thomas quickly averted his gaze from Alexander’s as Washington got to his feet to begin the meeting. All Hamilton attacked him with nowadays would be comments relating to his weight and appearance, and Thomas couldn’t look at the man without hearing the echoes of past jokes and humiliations.

Thomas knew that Alexander saw him as fat, ugly and disgusting, and had made it his personal mission to ensure the whole cabinet recognised these facts too. The Virginian used to love participating in heated debates and arguments with his rival, but now Thomas Jefferson could barely even speak to Hamilton due to how much pain the man had made him experience.

The cabinet members gradually drew their conversations to a close, and Washington cleared his throat for silence. 

”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to thismorning’s cabinet meeting” Washington boomed, unusually leaving no pause after his opening introduction for the usual round of applause from the cabinet; it was clear that the President was not in the mood for time to be wasted today.

As Washington continued with his introduction, Thomas tried to concentrate on the words that were being spoken, but all the man could focus on was his growing anxiety that had begun to curl tightly in the pit of his stomach due to the situation.

Was James going to be alright presenting his proposals? Had he explained his thoughts thoroughly enough? James roughly knew the content of Thomas’ presentation, and he would have Thomas’ script to reference in the battle, but had Thomas written down enough in detail for the man to use?

He was supposed to be battling against Hamilton in the cabinet meeting today. Thomas had never turned down a cabinet battle before, let alone one against his number one rival. How was that going to look? What were people going to think? What was Hamilton going to do in retaliation?

Was Washington angry with him? Would he be disappointed? The President already appeared to be in a bad mood, and the man didn’t seem to like Thomas much in the first place...

Maybe he should have just convinced James that he was alright to present....goddamnit why was he being such a coward? It was pathetic. He’s the Secretary of State, he can’t afford to pull shit like this......fuck

However, just as Thomas began to debate whether or not to tell James that he’d present after all, time ran out when Washington introduced James to be taking Thomas’ place in the cabinet battle and the shorter Virginian made his way into the centre of the room. 

A murmur of confusion and gossip ran through the audience before Thomas felt all eyes fall upon him. He didn’t dare to look up. He wanted to leave the room, or sink into his chair, or hide under the table, or in fact do anything that would make the staring and judging stop.

’Please don’t look at me, please don’t look at me, please don’t look at me’ his mind begged on repeat as Thomas shuffled in his seat in an attempt to hide more of his body from view; the cabinet would be less likely to comment on his weight if it wasn’t completely visible.

Meanwhile, James faced Alexander, who had also stood up after being introduced to be presenting after the Virginian. As Washington continued to speak out to the cabinet, Hamilton glanced at James after a moment of hesitation.

”How come you’re presenting for Jefferson?” the immigrant asked quietly.

His tone unusually lacked any traces of mockery, and James narrowed his eyes in suspicion of Hamilton’s unknown motive for asking such a question if not to make fun of either Virginian.

”That’s not really any of your business, Hamilton” James replied shortly.

He was expecting the other man to retaliate in a similarly unfriendly manner, but Hamilton’s expression of confusion only deepened as he glanced again at Thomas, before he spoke again.

”Is he alright?”

Again, this question being asked without any obvious spite or aggression confused James deeply, but all the Virginian could reply with was a brief “He’s fine” before Washington finished his introduction and began speaking directly to the pair.

”Mr Madison, you have the floor”

——

Thomas watched intently as his best friend began speaking to the cabinet, using Thomas’ words as a base but combining his script with a flawless presentation that had everyone’s attentions held. James was clear and confident in his conduction, and his glances at Thomas’ script were brief and smoothly executed.

Glancing around at his peers, Thomas felt more relaxed due to how the cabinet were listening and engaging with James’ speech. People were hearing the proposals without interruption, and James’ plan was going incredibly well. Thomas felt his heart swell with relief and happiness for having such a best friend, and felt his anxiety reduce ever so slightly.

However, as James began to reach towards the end of Thomas’ script, the taller Virginian realised with a jolt that his friend was beginning to slow down the pace of his speech. Furthermore, James had started repeatedly glancing down at the script to attempt to interpret what Thomas had written, and a small frown creased the man’s brow as he continued speaking, but his words were now accompanied by the essence of confusion.

Thomas knew that his speech was unfinished and had warned James of this exact fact, but only now remembered how he’d left the script incompleted halfway through a point. Furthermore, James would therefore have no clue as to how Thomas wished to finalise his specific statement, nor how the speech was supposed to end.

Thomas hadn’t even gotten round to thinking that far ahead before time had run out, seeing as his mind had been so distracted and occupied with attempting to control his unwanted emotions. The Virginian felt his stomach clench with renewed worry, as well as guilt.

Sure enough, James reached the end of Thomas’ script and abruptly cut off his dialogue when the shorter Virginian realised that Thomas had ended his writing halfway through a sentence. The cabinet immediately noticed how James paused to rapidly reread over the script’s content in an attempt to understand where Thomas had been going with his writing, and murmuring began to ripple through the audience.

Thomas had the familiar urge to sink into the floor as James continued to read over the script, the man’s frown having heavily increased to evidently show his uncertainty.

’Shit shit shit shit shit shit, what have I done? Oh my god, this is all my fault and James isn’t going to be able to speak anymore because he doesn’t know what my point was, and I don’t even know what my point was, and everyone’s looking at me and shit shit shit shit’ Thomas’ internal monologue screamed inside his head.

After rereading Thomas’ script multiple times, James was forced to glance towards Thomas to send him a look that purely asked for help and an explanation. Thomas felt himself trembling slightly with nervousness as he beckoned James over to him, which resulted in a murmur of cruel laughter from the cabinet members as James hurried over.

”What did you mean here?” James asked quietly, pointing to the last paragraph that Thomas has written.

”Um..I..um...I...I don’t know” Thomas said helplessly, his panicked eyes meeting with James’ confused ones as he ran his hands nervously through his hair.

”Okay...how do you want me to end the speech?” James asked after taking a deep breath. The shorter Virginian had adopted a calm and composed exterior, but Thomas knew that his friend was relying on his help right now. Thomas’ mind screamed at him to aid his friend, for him to say ANYTHING, but all he could do was shake his head as his heart pounded violently in his chest.

”I..I..don’t know. I didn’t get that far with my points...I’m..I’m sorry” Thomas all but whispered.

James shot him a look of pure uncertainty mixed with slight bewilderment, which only made Thomas’ levels of self-hatred rise dramatically, but before James could ask any more questions that could help him save the speech, the booming voice of Washington rang out from across the room.

”Jefferson” the President addressed loudly, and Thomas looked up immediately due to the man’s impatient and essentially harsh tone. He was met with countless eyes of the cabinet surveying him, many along with judging or amused smirks, before his gaze lowered to spot the unimpressed scowl of Washington’s stare.

The only person in the room (apart from James) who seemed to show any concern for the situation was Hamilton. The man was still standing in the cabinet’s centre, but surprisingly was refraining from participating in any of the laughter or gossip. In fact, Hamilton only seemed to radiate confusion as he glanced between Washington and Jefferson as the President got to his feet.

”Madison, Jefferson, can you please explain to the cabinet why you thought it would be acceptable to waste precious time by gossiping instead of completing the speech?” Washington spoke icily, which caused the hairs on the back of Thomas’ neck to stand up.

Thomas opened his mouth to attempt to explain, but yet again, James came to his friend’s rescue as the man held out a tired hand to cut Thomas off.

”Sir, I do apologise but..Thomas didn’t manage to finish writing his script for this meeting and therefore..therefore I have no way of completing my presentation” James said after pausing to gather his thoughts. The audience immediately began whispering again and Thomas felt his face burning with embarrassment.

”I see, thank you for the explanation Madison” Washington said dryly, before turning his stare back upon the taller Virginian as James took his seat. Thomas hastily got to his feet and waited for Washington’s response, attempting to hide the shaking of his hands by stuffing them inside his suit jacket’s pockets.

Unfortunately, this informal action made Thomas adopt a casually inappropriate posture, which only increased Washington’s frown.

”Jefferson, do you think it’s acceptable to come to a meeting unprepared?” Washington asked, the deadly tone of his words enforcing silence in the room. Thomas was sure everyone could hear the audible sound of him swallowing before he replied.

“N..no Sir”

”Do you think it’s acceptable to fake an apparent ‘illness’ to convince me that you’re not feeling up to presenting today?” the President continued, his tone only becoming more cutting as his patience wore even more thin.

”Sir, I’m-“ James began suddenly, most likely in an attempt to save Thomas from the situation, but Washington cut his words off with a quick wave of his hand.

”Silence, Madison. Well, Jefferson?”

”No Sir” Thomas replied again as he felt all hope for the situation to improve evaporate.

“Do you think it’s acceptable or appropriate to waste the cabinet’s time due to your lack of effort and organisation?”

Washington raised his voice’s volume to almost a shout, which caused Thomas to flinch slightly before replying. Despite Thomas’ mind acknowledging how much effort Thomas had to use to even be able to get out of bed, the President’s words still made him feel awful. The everpresent self-hatred was rising and all Thomas could do was stand there. 

”N..no, Sir....I..I apologise”

Washington stared down at Thomas for a few more moments before sighing and turning back to face Hamilton.

”It appears that Secretary Jefferson has nothing more to say. Secretary Hamilton, you have the floor.”

Thomas sat down again as Hamilton began speaking, staring fixedly down at his hands.

He couldn’t move.

He’d let everyone down.

He’d humiliated James, who had only been trying to help him.

He didn’t deserve to have his job.

He didn’t even deserve to be here.

He was so disgusting, inside and out, that everyone would probably be better off without his presence anyway.

Everything was his fault.

——-

The next day, Alexander Hamilton came into work early in order to catch up with his writing before the day officially started. He hadn’t slept properly, but despite his body begging him to take a break from writing and lie down, the Secretary of Treasury’s work ethic was unbelievably and infamously strong, and Alex therefore found himself walking into work at 6AM.

He didn’t expect many of this peers to be around in the building this early in the morning as he headed in the direction of the common room, more specifically towards the coffee machine. It was no secret that Alex practically ran on caffeine.

Just as he’d expected, the common room was empty and Alexander began to prepare his morning coffee that would hopefully contain enough caffeine to keep him awake until at least midday.

However, the immigrant suddenly heard footsteps approaching and the common room door subsequently being opened behind him, which surprised Alexander hugely; who else was crazy or dedicated enough (depending on how you look at it) to come into work at this hour?

The footsteps of the newcomer then stopped abruptly, and, turning round to greet whoever had just entered, Alexander spotted the tall figure of Thomas Jefferson standing frozen in the doorframe.

Alexander had called his rival many names in the past, but today it was no understatement to say that Jefferson looked like shit. The man’s clothes were crumpled, his hair was sticking up in odd directions, and Jefferson’s appearance altogether exclaimed exhaustion and discomposure that was heightened by the man’s slumped shoulders, eye bags and red-rimmed pupils.

The pair stared at each other for a moment, Alex taking in this almost unrecognisable version of his rival, with Jefferson looking extremely uncomfortable in the situation. His eyes were shifting, his feet shuffled slightly, and the man seemed to be pondering whether or not to leave the room due to Alex’s presence.

Alexander knew that his rival would normally have engaged in an early morning argument, and in the past both men had found entertainment by insulting each other from the moment they’d both stepped into work. However, today Jefferson looked like he’d rather be anywhere but in Hamilton’s presence, and Alexander felt no urge to instigate any confrontation as he regarded the dishevelled man before him.

After a moment, Jefferson seemed to decide on his plan of action, and proceeded to enter into the room properly before awkwardly heading in the direction of the coffee machine. Alexander moved up to make room, and both men stood side by side at the drinks table. Jefferson seemed set on preparing his beverage as fast as possible without engaging with Hamilton at all, his eyes never raising from his drink, and Alex began to feel the weight of the situation’s awkward tension.

‘Say something to him! You’ve been annoyingly concerned about him recently so fricking do something about it!’ a persistent voice in Alex’s head exclaimed.

’But what do I even say?! Ask him why he’s in work so early? Start up a casual conversation? I can’t even remember the last time we spoke in a civilised way like normal people, let alone had a nice conversation!’ Alexander thought, frowning slightly in concentration.

Alex noticed that Jefferson was almost finished with the coffee machine, and made up his mind to just let his mouth talk without his brain interfering too much. He could just say a simple “Hey”, or “You alright?”, seeing as Jefferson appeared to be in some kind of unstable state.

However, just as Alexander summoned enough courage to begin speaking, he opened his mouth but suddenly stopped. His eyes had accidentally rested on Jefferson’s arms for a moment, where the immigrant noticed how one of the man’s shirt sleeves had accidentally rolled up slightly.

It was then that Alexander noticed it. Something was marked on Jefferson’s exposed forearm, and, under closer inspection, Alex’s stomach lurched as he recognised immediately what it was.

A scattering of cuts were present, small enough to be missed by a wavering gaze but evident enough to stand out against Jefferson’s skin. The marks didn’t look deep enough to require medical attention, but their painful, fresh red colour screamed out for Alex’s attention, and the accurate placement of such injuries didn’t appear to be simple accidents.

Alex continued to stare in shock at the other man’s arm, unable to tear his gaze away, until Jefferson noticed his stillness and glanced down. It was then that Thomas noticed the presence of his rolled up sleeve and Hamilton’s subsequent staring at his forearm.

Without a word, the Virginian was yanking down his shirt sleeve faster than Alexander had ever seen someone move before.

“Jefferson!” Alex called out after a moment of hesitation, but said man was already out of the common room door, leaving Alexander behind with both unfinished coffees and intense feelings of shock mixed with horror.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander worries about how to best help his rival after their common room meeting, and Thomas is confronted with a new problem...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya, okay I’m so sorry that this chapter has again taken me ages to post! I have drama assessments coming up v soon, so the next update will be when those are finished.
> 
> This chapter was going to b longer, but i need A LOT of quality time to write, and I’m not going to b getting that for a couple of weeks (at least), and i don’t wanna make you guys wait without posting anything at all lmao, but I hope this chapter is alright + updates will be coming!
> 
> (i know exactly what i want to happen in the story’s plot so dw, but just have NO time rn which is so inconvenientttttt) 
> 
> Also, TRIGGER WARNINGS;  
> again, mentions of self-harm are in this chapter (mainly emotional stuff, never details of infliction), as well as a small amount of Non-Consensual groping. Please don’t read if you’re sensitive to or triggered by any of these topics, and stay safe guys xx

Thomas Jefferson was self-harming

Thomas Jefferson was self-harming

Thomas Jefferson was self-harming 

No matter how hard he tried, Alexander couldn’t stop his mind from screaming this statement on repeat inside his head. It had been five hours since Hamilton and Jefferson had met in the common room, and Alexander’s chest was still clenched tightly due to what exactly he’d spotted and subsequently learnt about his number one rival. 

The Secretary of Treasury had been sitting alone in his office with the intention of completing his work for the past few hours, but all he could think about was the morning’s event, and Jefferson’s horrified expression seemed to be glued into his brain. 

Alex sighed and rubbed his hands over his face for the hundredth time and stared out of his office window in worried contemplation. 

Thomas Jefferson was self-harming. How does something like this happen? In Hamilton’s eyes, Jefferson was the least likely person to be doing something like this. Why would arrogant and self-obsessed Jefferson be self-harming? What emotions were being felt by the man that have triggered him to resort to self-injury?

It had been obvious that Jefferson hadn’t exactly been his normal self recently, which some people had seen as a blessing. According to many, reserved and unconfident Jefferson was a wonderful improvement from the arrogant and ruthless Jefferson who usually owned cabinet meetings (and refrained from ever stumbling into stuttering messes).

From what Alexander had briefly witnessed on the man’s arm, Thomas viewable injuries thankfully weren’t serious enough to require hospitalisation. However, self-harm was extremely serious no matter how physically significant the cuts were; the emotions felt by anyone who resorted to self-injury as a result were enough to cause for strong concern.

Alexander had even had a period of time during his teenage years when he’d briefly resorted to self-harm himself, and therefore personally knew how intense, trapped and overwhelmed Jefferson must be feeling right now for him to do such a thing to himself...

The immigrant wondered how long this had been going on for. Jefferson’s injuries looked recent (Alex winced when he theorised how they may have resulted from yesterday’s horrific cabinet meeting), but there could be other injuries hidden on other parts of the man’s body that weren’t so easily viewable...

Fuck, he had no idea what to do. Confront Jefferson about it? Alex doubted that would work; the man had clearly been avoiding Alexander’s presence for the last few weeks, and the immigrant suspected that Jefferson would almost certainly not feel comfortable discussing anything this personal with his number one rival. 

Never-ending questions rapidly flowed around Alexander’s mind, and the man ran his hands through his hair absentmindedly. Was he the only person to have noticed the self-harm? Did Madison know about this? He was Jefferson’s best friend, so it was likely that Jefferson would have shared this secret with Madison...but what if he hadn’t?

After more contemplation, Alex decided that he’d feel more comfortable about the whole situation if he had a confirmation that he wasn’t the only person who possessed this knowledge. 

Alexander theorised that if he went to Madison and told said man about what he’d spotted, their conversation would go one of two ways;

Either, Madison already has knowledge of his best friend’s recent self-harm (and will probably tell Hamilton to “Fuck off”, or threaten him not to use this information as blackmail, which is something that not even Alexander would stoop low enough to do), or Madison has been oblivious to this information and will actively then seek to help his best friend in a way that Alex can’t do himself. 

A tiny voice in the back of his head placed a seed of guilt in Alex’s mind as he recalled how shitty he’d been treating Jefferson over the past few weeks, and Alex used this feeling to explain why he was suddenly possessed with the urge to help a man who he normally passionately despised.

For some reason, the thought of Thomas Jefferson suffering alone in silence made Alexander’s chest clench, but instead of exploring this strange emotion any further, Alex made plans to find and talk to Madison sometime today, ideally when the man wasn’t around other people.

If Alex couldn’t help Jefferson, maybe Madison would be able to....

-

Several floors above Alexander’s office, a certain tall Virginian could be found pacing back and forth around his office (an increasingly common occurrence), his hands shaking at his sides with his mind lost in a variety of emotions. 

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, hOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE??’

Thomas screamed at himself and rubbed his temples violently, remembering how he’d failed to notice how his shirt sleeve had accidentally moved up his arm when making coffee in the common room that morning. Jefferson hadn’t slept at all the previous night, and had decided to drag himself into work at a ridiculously early hour in order to avoid receiving any confused or judging stares from his peers, and escape from the isolation that taunted him ruthlessly in his lone apartment.

However, Thomas never seemed to possess any luck whatsoever, and had naturally run into Hamilton (the only other person insane enough to begin working at such an early hour), before accidentally exposing something extremely personal about himself to the Secretary. 

Alexander Hamilton, a man who detested Thomas and claimed with pride to be his number one rival, had noticed his self-harm.

Thomas had felt like crying when he’d spotted the man’s intent gaze fixed upon his injured forearm. Why did it have to have been him? Hamilton was sure to spread this news around the office, and Thomas heard a noise of despair slip from his lips as he imagined what his coworkers would be saying about him now. 

The man began to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down, but his heart still pounded viciously against his ribcage. Thomas felt his closed eyes begin to sting with the onslaught of incomings tears, but the man angrily blinked the moisture away; he’d already done enough crying recently, and feeling sorry for himself right now wasn’t going to solve any of his problems.

After a moment of allowing his mind to calm down slightly, Thomas began to formulate a plan of action. He needed to confront Hamilton about the incident to make sure that his rival wasn’t going to spread this knowledge around.

Thomas doubted with a sinking heart that the immigrant would listen to him and refrain from making use of this new blackmail material, but he had to at least try. He decided that he’d find Hamilton in the lunch hour (seeing as disturbing the man from his work now probably wouldn’t help his case), but Thomas knew that he should find James first.

The taller Virginian hadn’t told James about his recent self-harm, mainly because he didn’t want his best friend worrying about him even more than he already was, but also because Thomas felt ashamed with himself for succumbing to his emotions and their relentless torment.

He wanted desperately for everything to stop, but all his mind did was continuously build up emotions until Thomas found himself screaming and seeking for any means of releasing this pain in some way. Self-harm happened to work occasionally, and Thomas knew how to be careful and prevent his damage from being too physically serious.

However, Thomas knew that he needed to stop before it became a permanent habit, and he also knew that James needed to know about it from Thomas himself before the news potentially reached his best friend through a different source.

James would know what to do about Hamilton, and Thomas shamefully found himself craving the man’s physical and mental support more than ever. James was just...so good at helping with anything and everything. He’d always been there for Thomas, and the taller Virginian had come to know how much he depended on the other man.

Thomas’ childhood had been very lonely, seeing as both his parents worked and were always too busy to even think of spending time with any of their children. James had been the first one to theorise that Thomas was in fact touch starved, before proceeding to give Thomas “daily hugs!” in the school playground every day when both of them were only fourteen years old.

Thomas found himself smiling at the memory, and felt calmer about going to James for advice and help, his breathing beginning to even out with the promise of relief. He’d wait until lunch to talk to his best friend, seeing as he couldn’t avoid doing his work right now and James himself was probably very busy too.

He needed to stop worrying. It was going to be alright.

—

Surpsiringly, Thomas managed to complete quite a significant amount of his work before th lunch break began, but his levels of anxiety and dread began to raise as the clocks continued ticking.

What was James going to say? How was he going to react? Would he be disappointed? How were they going to convince Hamilton not to say anything? 

Shaking his head to try and clear his mind, Thomas stood up from his desk and began shrugging on his magenta jacket; his mind’s endless questions wouldn’t get answered until he went and spoke to James himself.

Catching a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror, Thomas suddenly noticed the vibrant colour of his clothes for the first time that day; the man had been in such a rush that morning to escape the oppressive atmosphere of his apartment, and Thomas had simply grabbed the nearest articles of clothing he could reach to wear that day without thinking to check whether said clothes were monotone and supporting unnoticeable colours.

Sighing, Thomas wished that he’d happened to grab something less flamboyant; his iconic magenta outfit was something that he used to cherish and love wearing, but his mind now just reminded him how noticeable he’d be today because of said outfit. However, he had nothing to change into so Thomas simply grit his teeth and prayed that he’d not attract large amounts of unwanted attention.

The Virginian left his office just as the lunch hour started, and began heading along the corridor in the direction of James Madison’s office. The corridors were relatively quiet; most people would likely be in the cafeteria, common room or still currently working.

Walking past multiple closed office doors, Thomas imagined how many people in the building Hamilton had already told about his self-harm, and the Virginian found his gaze lowering in dread.

Maybe it was already too late to prevent Hamilton from ruining his reputation even more than he was already bound to have done....

Due to Thomas’ gaze being cast upon the floor as he continued walking, it took the man a moment to notice that someone else was in fact walking towards him in the deserted corridor.

Glancing upwards, Thomas’ eyes fell on the broad figure of John Adams approaching him across the corridor, and Thomas felt a strange empty feeling begin spreading inside his stomach. Both men had previously been quite close acquaintances, but, after a few months of mild disagreements, their friendship had died out due to the pair’s differences. Thomas hadn’t personally spoken to the man for a couple of months, and right now he didn’t wish to interrupt his mission of finding James to engage in casual small talk with anyone.

As the men drew closer to each other, their eyes met and Thomas noticed how Adams seemed to be wearing a strange expression on his face that the Virginian couldn’t associate with any familiar emotion. Adams was giving him a funny look that didn’t appear judging, but was simply...off.

Not wanting to be rude, Thomas gave the other man a simple nod in greeting, forcing a small smile into his face in an attempt at being polite. Adams returned the nod and smile, but his greeting expression seemed false in some way, and Thomas suddenly felt the urge to keep walking.

However, before Thomas had even managed to walk a meter away, Adams suddenly changed the direction of his walk to head directly towards the Virginian.

Thomas jumped slightly as he found Adams unexpectedly standing right next to him, and took an automatic step backwards in an attempt to remove himself from the close contact, his brow furrowing in confusion. What was Adams doing?

Neither man spoke for a moment. Adams was blankly staring at Jefferon’s confused expression, before suddenly smirking and closing the distance between them so their chests were almost touching. Thomas stared in bewilderment at he other man’s actions, his mind suddenly becoming wary and urging him more strongly to leave.

”Um...hello?” the Virginian asked uncertainly.

”Hey” Adams replied lowly, his smirk deepening, and this was all the warning Thomas received before Adams sprung into action.

Everything happened so fast. 

Placing his hands on Thomas’ body before the Virginian even had time to blink, Adams forcibly held Thomas’ hips in place as he pressed himself even closer to the other man.

Horrified at the sudden turn of events, with his heart almost bursting out of his chest due to an overwhelming rush of anxiety-fuelled adrenaline, Thomas tried to push Adam away from him and place some distance between the pair.

What the fuck was happening?!?

However, Adams was taller than Thomas and therefore had the advantage of height and strength over the Virginian, and Thomas’ initial attempts at removing himself from the situation failed.

Adams smirked, before he suddenly slid his hands underneath the tail of Thomas’ magenta suit to roughly clutch Thomas’ ass, giving a quick but violent squeeze.

Thomas jumped in utter shock at the intimate contact, but due to way in which Adams was pressing him against the wall at an angle, he was prevented from getting away.

Time seemed to freeze for a moment in horror, before Thomas snapped back into reality and roughly shoved Adam’s hands off with sudden strength, before backing away hurriedly.

The Virginian felt as if he couldn’t breathe. What the hell had just happened? How could this be real? What was Adams even thinking? This had never happened before. He had no idea what was going through Adams’ mind to possess him to do such a thing. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Thomas snarled, his tone deadly, but his body betrayed him by trembling slightly in shock.

John smirked at Thomas before raising his hands in a mocking surrender, as if Thomas was simply overreacting to what had just happened.

“Woah Jefferson, it feels even larger than it looks” Adams said, glancing down to stare at Thomas’ behind before grinning.

Thomas felt sick as soon as the other man had uttered those simple words. Pain flooded through his veins as he stared in horror at the other man’s smile, his chest imploding in self-hatred and distress.

After a moment of staring in silence, Thomas felt himself absently push past Adams to all but sprint away from the situation down the corridor.

He wanted to cry.

He wanted to scream.

He wanted to pass out.

He wanted to die.

Thomas didn’t stop running despite his lungs screaming at their deprivation of oxygen. Other people began flooding into the corridors around Thomas, all chatting amicably together and heading towards lunch, but Thomas barely registered any of his surroundings as his mind became consumed in a tornado of toxic emotions.

Suddenly, through all the pain and darkness, Thomas remembered why he was even walking down the coridoor in the first place and found a glimmer of hope.

James. He was going to see James.

Thomas increased his pace in the direction of James’ office, focusing solely on the thought of his best friend to fight against the tsunami of emotion that threatened to consume him.

He was going to visit James. James would help him. James would know what to do.

James. James. James. James. James. James

Blessed relief flooded Thomas’ system as he spotted his best friend’s familiar office, and knocked rapidly in the door before all but stumbling inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this chapter was alright, sorry for the shorter length but i promise updates will b coming as the plot thickkkkkens and THANK YOU sm for reading :)
> 
> also (cue long paragraphs, feel free to skip lmao);
> 
> i was lucky enough to see Hamilton on the West End last week (IT’S INCREDIBLE BTW) and we were sitting in the 2nd row so got a rlly good view of all the actors n everything,
> 
> and one thing I noticed was how different Jefferson (played by Jason Pennycooke) and Madison (played by Tarinn Callender) interacted, and how their general dynamic was on stage in this production. 
> 
> It was made rlly clear to me that Jefferson was this dominant asshole (obviously), but the way he treated Madison at times just showed how different their relationship was to what i’d previously predicted. 
> 
> For example, in ‘What’d I Miss’ Madison looked really happy to see Jefferson when he entered, and he tried to shake Jefferson’s hand, but Jefferson was purposefully facing the other way and ignoring him so Madison got majorly aired and looked genuinely upset, and he had to legit yank Jefferson across the stage to get his attention lmao. 
> 
> And then in ‘Cabinet Battle 1’ near the end when Madison has to sit down bc he’s not feeling well, Jefferson literally didn't make any effort to see if he was alright, and instead actually got really pissed at Madison and told him to “STAND UP!!!”
> 
> idk, this might just be how a lot of Hamilton productions present these two characters. i’ve never personally seen any other productions on stage so i can’t compare character portrayals directly, 
> 
> but from Original Broadway Cast bootlegs, I’ve always seen footage of Daveed Diggs’ Jefferson beaming at reuniting with his friend, and then being genuinely concerned for Oak’s Madison when he’s sick, and their relationship seems to be a lot more equal, healthy and makes me see why people ship Jeffmads, 
> 
> whereas the relationship i saw in this production did make me feel kinda sorry for Madison when he was always being v supportive despite getting aired a lot lmao. it was still amazing and hilarious to watch, but did surprise me a little pffft
> 
> (also me and the lady in front were clapping loudly at the start of ‘Cabinet Battle 1’, and Madison and Jefferson looked down at us and were like “ayyyyyyyyyy” and then Jefferson was like “they’re CLAPPING FOR ME!” and it was so funny) 
> 
> overall tho i wouldn’t change anything, literally the West End actors are incredible so 10/10 would recommend, and plz let me know if any of you guys have seen this portrayal of Jefferson and Madison before or other versions bc we stan talented actors xx


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James reacts uncharacteristically towards his best friend, and Alexander decides to take action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO MERRY CHRISTMAS! i hope you all are having great holidays and i apologise profusely again about not updating recently, but this story will 100% be continuing into 2019 so stay tuned and i hope you all enjoy reading this chapter xxx
> 
> (also TW, there’s some more talk n mild descriptions of self-harm in this chapter)

Sighing, James Madison rested his head in the palms of his hands as he finished editing and finalising his third pile of documents. 

Exhaustion flooding over him, the man groaned audibly at the thought of the two more huge piles of incomplete work that he still needed to go through, and the lunch hour was only just beginning. 

After allowing himself to acquire a much needed mental break for a couple of minutes, James wearily opened his eyes once more and reached reluctantly towards the papers, his mood sinking even lower and a scowl beginning to form across his face. 

James hadn’t been having a good day. He’d overslept that morning after staying awake the previous night worrying about everything under the sun (but mostly about Thomas), had been subsequently forced to skip breakfast, and arrived to work late only to receive an indirect punishment from Washington when he was unexpectedly tasked with completing extra paperwork, on top of the pile of files that James still hadn’t had time to review. 

Everything had started going wrong yesterday during the cabinet meeting when he’d attempted to support Thomas by presenting his speech proposals in an attempt for the taller Virginian to be saved from mentally breaking down again and sinking even lower into his pain. 

However, their plan had spectacularly backfired, and James had found himself subjected to Washington’s wrath almost as much as Thomas had been, despite both Virginians attempting to explain the situation but to no avail. This entire event had left James feeling disheartened and emotionally exhausted after the cabinet meeting, as he’d still attempted to support and reassure a despondent Thomas Jefferson that everything was going to be alright. 

But...was everything going to be alright? James had previously thought that it was, but right now he felt hope slipping from between his straining fingers.

Thomas hadn’t been getting mentally better. If anything, the man had only been sinking deeper into his despair. No matter what James seemed to do to aid his friend and attempt to kickstart a recovery, the man would only get worse right before James’ eyes.

Letting out a sigh of frustration, James shook his head slightly and attempted to focus his mind back on track to his incomplete work. A voice in his head whispered that he spent too much time worrying about and thinking of Thomas, when he should be focusing on his own health and workload. 

Thomas continuously stated how much he depended on James, but the man wasn’t getting any better from James’ care and support. Was James actually even helping Thomas at all? Could he even help his friend? 

A stab of foreign annoyance pulsed through James’ veins at the though of his best friend at that moment. The shorter Virginian normally possessed exceptional amounts of patience and compassion, and cared about Thomas Jefferson very much, but just felt the other man was shutting him out more and putting up barriers to reduce communication between the usually inseparable pair.

Furthermore, Thomas appeared to be ignoring the shorter Virginian (by physically avoiding him around the building, taking extended periods of time to respond to James’ texts, never engaging in normal conversations etc) and having an almost despondent reaction to anything James said to him.

James was continuously trying to support him, but why wasn’t he able to help any more than he already was? Why was Thomas making...making everything seem even more difficult?

James could feel his levels of frustration and despair raising every day; he desperately needed Thomas to open up to him, but the taller Virginian purposefully seemed to be internalising his destructive emotions and thoughts recently. How was James meant to help Thomas get better if he kept being shut out? 

Taking a deep breath, James attempted to clear his mind before going back to work. The amount of work due wasn’t helping to lower his levels of exhaustion, frustration and stress; he needed to hurry up and complete it before worrying about anything else right now.

However, only five minutes after the shorter Virginian wearily picked up his pen and began finalising, a series of sharp and unexpected knocks on his office door startled James from his thoughts and work once more.

Before James even had time to stand up from his desk, the office door was thrown open forcefully as a figure stumbled inside, and James’ gaze landed on the magenta-clad figure of Thomas Jefferson standing in the doorframe.

James stared at the other man for a moment, as his eyes surveyed Thomas’ dishevelled appearance. The taller man had large bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and he was wringing his clasped hands repeatedly together in front of his chest. Thomas also seemed to be holding back tears, judging from the moisture sparkling in the man’s rapidly blinking eyes as his unfocused gaze searched around the office until he spotted James sitting across the room. 

Normally, the sight of Thomas Jefferson being in such an unorganised and unnatural stance would have caused James to rush to the man’s side in an instant, most likely repeating his concerns and offered support to his friend.

Yet, James had been witnessing the taller Virginian in similar states to what the man was currently projecting now almost daily for the last few weeks, and something now made James uncharacteristically remain sitting at his desk. 

‘What’s the point of voicing your concerns to deaf ears?’ a small voice hissed in James’ ears. 

Thomas Jefferson’s gaze was still held on James, and the man began speaking in a rush as his chest heaved from exhaustion as if he’d been running. Thomas’ mind seemed to be incredibly disorganised and confused as he began to spectacularly word vomit in front of a slightly stunned James. 

“James, J..James, s..something just...I..I don’t know...it just..d..don’t understand..I..I’m...didn’t know what to do...m’so c..confused and..I didn’t want him to..t..to...he..he just went...w..went and..a..and..I..I didn’t k..know what...w..what—“

Thomas’ stuttering was awful, and he seemed intent on telling his best friend about something that was causing his current status of distress, but James simply couldn’t make out a single thing the man was attempting to tell him about.

Sighing, James abruptly raised his hand to stop the stuttering flow of dialogue, and the taller Virginian paused his disorganised flow of words with a sharp intake of breath, his wide eyes imitating those of a deer caught in a car’s headlights. 

All at once, James felt simultaneous rushes of extreme exhaustion, emptiness and frustration hit him. He needed to complete his ever-growing amount of incomplete work, and he genuinely didn’t have time right now to attempt to convince an uncommunicative Thomas into believing that everything was going to be alright. Because everything wasn’t going to be alright, because life is shit and nothing James said was going to be able to change this inevitable and ever-present fact. 

James’ thoughts became more scathing and annoyed under the influence of exhaustion, and he found his gaze hardening as he stared forcefully at his office desk.

“Thomas” James said clearly, his tone surprisingly firm with an underlying and unexpected layer of sternness. After a moment of silence, James sighed angrily, before lifting his gaze to fix Thomas with a tired glare.

Afterwards, James would look back on this moment and have nothing but overwhelming and consuming regrets, but, in the moment, he let his growing anger at the situation and a sudden uncharacteristic lack of understanding make him lash out towards his best friend. 

“Look, I’m extremely busy with all my work right now so could you please just..leave me alone? Is that too much to ask? It’s just....I’m really stressed, and you coming to me all the time crying like a little kid about anything and everything isn’t going to help!” James said harshly, his voice unexpectedly raising to a shout that caused Thomas to flinch slightly.

Silence chilled the room after James’ words were uttered, and settled uncomfortably between the two best friends.

Thomas was frozen across the room from James, shock evident in his wide eyes and slightly open mouth. Countless emotions seemed to rapidly flash across the taller Virginian’s face before James’ eyes, until only sadness could be detected upon Thomas’ facial expression. The taller Virginian slowly closed his mouth, lowered his gaze to the floor, and Thomas almost resembled a kicked puppy in that moment. James felt his stomach clench tightly as he saw how Thomas’ body stiffened with tension and pain as his friend automatically turned his body slightly away from James, and invisible barriers suddenly seemed to appear between the pair.

James immediately felt the strong urge to correct himself and apologise to his best friend; he hadn’t meant to speak so harshly, his words had just slipped out, he didn’t mean what he’d said, and he couldn’t remember the last time when he’d made Thomas look so...small and sad.

The shorter Virginian opened his mouth to speak, but Thomas cut him off quickly as if he were scared to hear James continue shouting. 

”Ah..I..I’m sorry. S..sorry that..that I bothered you” Thomas murmured from the doorway, his eyes downcast as he quickly exited from the office and shut the door quietly behind him.

James remained sitting at his desk after Thomas left, his heart sinking through his chest and guilt pulsing through his veins. The shorter Virginian placed his head in his hands and let out another sigh. Thomas had clearly needed someone to talk to, and all James had done was kick him away. Shit, shit, shit, he hadn’t meant to let his anger get the better of him, and Thomas needed all the friendship he could get right now....

The shorter Virginian debated on whether to search and apologise to his best friend right then and there, but after checking the time and noting the consuming amount of work he had left to complete over the painfully short lunch hour, James was resigned to finding Thomas after he’d finished his work. Guilt continued to claw inside him, but James knew that the sooner he completed his work, the sooner he’d be able to apologise to Thomas. With this thought in mind, James picked up his pen and turned his attention back to his papers.

——

Fourty minutes later, another knock sounded on the office door, and James raised his eyes from his work once more. Thankfully, said work was significantly more completed than it had been this morning, and James found himself strongly hoping that the unknown person at the door was Thomas.

”Come in” James called.

The door opened after a pause to reveal none other than Alexander Hamilton. James felt the welcoming smile drop from his face, and disappointment mixed with confused annoyance brewed strongly inside his chest at the sight of the Federalist Party member.

”Hamilton” James stated coldly as said man closed the office door behind him.

”Madison” Alexander replied, his gaze meeting with Madison’s raised eyebrows.

Hamilton’s usual confident body language was surprisingly absent, and the man appeared slightly uncomfortable as he stood in front of James while shuffling his feet. After a slightly awkward pause between the pair, Madison sighed.

“If you hadn’t noticed, Hamilton, I’m pretty busy right now, so unless you’re here to give me even more papers to review, come back later.” James spoke clearly, gesturing to the piles of work that were covering his desk and making no attempt to hide the dislike and annoyance present in his tone.

”Madison, I..um..well..” Hamilton began, before pausing and clearing his throat. James was almost going to make a joke about how he’d never heard Hamilton be lost for words before, but something held his tongue. Maybe it was the lack of mockery in Hamilton’s tone or the serious expression now displayed across the shorter man’s face, but James’ attention was unexpectedly held. 

“So..um...” Alexander began slowly, as if he were pondering on how exactly to speak his words.

”Spit it out, Hamilton. I haven’t got all day” James sighed, and Alexander continued without comment.

”Look, you’re the first person I’m talking to about this, and I can assure you that you’ll be the only one who hears this from me. This morning I came into work early and bumped into Th—Jefferson in the common room...and..ah..” Alex seemed slightly and uncharacteristically cautious, as he raised his gaze to meet James’.

”Did you..um..know about his....” Alex slowly trailed off, maintaining eye contact with James as he gestured clearly to his forearm. 

”What are you talking about? What about Thomas?” James asked after a pause, confusion blossoming across his face. A sense of unease began to brew inside his stomach, and James found himself focusing strongly on Alex’s words.

”Shit, you didn’t know? He didn’t tell you..fuck.” Alex cursed quietly to himself, before taking a deep breath and continuing.

”Thomas is self-harming. I saw..what he’d done to his forearm this morning when his shirt sleeve accidentally rolled up. From what I saw, and I only got a brief glimpse, it wasn’t serious enough to require medical attention but...it wasn’t good..and it looked very recently done. I just..wanted you to know about it.”

James was frozen in his seat. He felt his heart’s rate rapidly increase and pound against his rib cage aggressively. The flow of blood became deafening in his ears as James continued to process what Alexander had just told him, a look of horror displayed on his face.

Thomas was self-harming.

Thomas motherfucking Jefferson, a man so incredibly talented, caring, intelligent, beautiful and loved, was self-harming.

James’ best friend.

How had he not known?

Why hadn’t Thomas told him about this?

How had James been so stupid to not expect this to be a possibility?

Maybe this was why Thomas had come to visit him. And all James had done was turn him away. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK...

Alexander wore an expression of concern as he watched unspoken questions and emotions sweep across James Madison’s face, before said man finally got to his feet.

”Does anyone else know about this?” James asked quietly, and Alex immediately shook his head.

”Like I said, you’ll be the only person who I tell. I know you think that I’m an asshole, and Jefferson and I don’t exactly...get on, but I’m never going to spread this around.” Alex replied, and James instantly knew how serious and sincere the man was being. 

“Thank you for telling me.” James replied, and the former friends exchanged one more shared look of concern and understanding, before the Virginian opened his office door and set off at a fast pace down the corridor in the direction of Thomas’ office.

’Please be inside, please be inside, please be inside’ James found himself begging as his speed increased to a run. Emotions of guilt, horror, shock and even anger pulsed through the man’s veins as adrenaline enabled James to reach Thomas’ office (located at the other end of the building) in record time.

Flinging open the man’s office door, James had never felt more relieved to see Thomas flinch slightly at his desk. Thank god he was here.

The taller Virginian’s expression was shocked, before turning wary and cautious at the sight of James as Thomas lowered his gaze away from his best friend. Guilt continued to pulse inside James’ chest at the sight of his friend’s reaction to his presence, but there was only one thought inside the shorter Virginian’s mind as he closed the door firmly behind him.

“Thomas...” James began, addressing and facing his best friend before taking a deep breath.

’You need to talk to him about it. He’s hurting and you have to be there for him’ James’ mind reminded him. 

”Hamilton just came to my office and told me...he said that he saw...saw what you’d done to your arm” James spoke every word with care and caution, but this didn’t prevent Thomas’ face from paling horrifically. The taller Virginian stood up quickly and looked simply terrified as he began to back away slightly, Thomas’ hands shaking by his sides.

”W..what are you talking about? I..I haven’t done anything, he’s lying” Thomas spoke quickly, and James was surprised to hear anger laced behind his best friend’s words. He couldn’t tell if this anger was directed at Hamilton for telling anyone about his secret, or at James for presently confronting him.

“Thomas..let me see it, okay? I need to check and see if it’s clean and alright..” James began, his tone soothing and calm, but Thomas only backed away from him further. 

”I told you, he’s fucking lying! You don’t need to check anything!” Thomas yelled, and his fear was given away in his shaking voice and posture.

James took a deep breath, and then decided to reach out quickly and grab Thomas’ wrist. He was careful to avoid Thomas’ forearm to prevent any aggitation from occurring to the hidden but present cuts, and still felt awful about forcing his best friend to reveal something extremely personal that Thomas wasn’t willing to admit to.

Yet, James knew that he HAD to check Thomas’ cuts to ensure that his best friend didn’t require any medical attention. Thomas had self-harmed seriously in the past, and James had to ensure that the recent infliction wasn’t placing Thomas in any immediate and serious danger. Guilt threatened to overwhelm James once more as he pulled Thomas’ arm towards him, but he knew that it had to be done. He had to keep Thomas safe.

”Get your fucking hands off me! Stop it James!” Thomas snarled as he stumbled before attempting to yank him arm from James’ hold.

However, James was stronger than Thomas and maintained a solid grib on his best friend’s arm as he carefully undid the button on his best friend’s sleeve cuff, before slowly rolling up the short sleeve despite Thomas’ protests, physical resistance and dangerous tone of voice.

James instantly spotted the recent cuts that Hamilton had made him aware of, his heart sinking as physical evidence of Thomas’ distressed and self-destructive mind was revealed before his very eyes. Hamilton had thankfully been right in saying that the cuts didn’t require medical attention, but James still felt guilt and dread pump through his veins as his grip slackened on Thomas’ arm. James knew that he’d had to check for himself, but also knew that forcing Thomas to admit to the self-harm wasn’t fair, and probably not the right thing to have done in their current situation. 

Fuck...

Thomas had thrown off James’ grib as soon as the hold on his arm had loosened, and the man was currently rolling down his sleeve with incredible speed, a vicious and defensive glare displayed across his face.

”James, I..I don’t need your help. You..you clearly don’t want to help me anymore, so you can gladly fuck off and leave me alone.” Thomas hissed, and James was taken aback by the poisonous tone that was currently polluting his best friend’s tone.

Thomas had already been hurt by James that day, but the shorter Virginian knew that abandoning Thomas right now wasn’t an option. Thomas needed someone to talk to about this, and James wasn’t going to leave until a conversation had been had. He was Thomas’ best friend, and cared about the man so fucking much.

Taking another deep breath, James looked Thomas in the eye and began speaking quietly.

”Thomas, why didn’t you tell me about..about it? I could have helped you. You didn’t need to—“ James began, but was cut off by a bark of short and cold laughter from the taller Virginian.

”Stop pretending that you care about me James. You clearly proved how much you dislike me his afternoon, so you can go back to your fucking paperwork and leave me be. I’m not your fucking problem anymore, so please j..just leave me alone”.


End file.
